OPTION 1:  Take one day at a time and live how I am, without dialysis and stretching my 2% kidney function as far as I can.

Upside:  I’m not living on a machine, all I need to do is swallow my meds and do my injections – no dialysis which means I’m not spending two to three days of my week in hospital.

Downside:  Living with my symptoms.  I hurt, I’m tired and the cramps are mind blowing horrible.  There is also no guarantee of how long my 2% will last so am I just putting off the inevitable that I will end up on dialysis and living on a machine anyway.

The biggest downside is that I can’t go on the transplant waiting list until I’m doing dialysis.  So by staying off dialysis I have no chance of a transplant.

OPTION 2:  Go back on dialysis.

Upside:  My worse symptoms of pain and cramps would be reduced.  The biggest upside is that I can go on the transplant waiting list.

Downside:  I will spend two to three days a week in hospital.  Being on dialysis means I’ll have two pen-sized needles into my arm each session, with sessions lasting up to six hours each time.  Traveling will be very difficult and there is no guarantee of getting a transplant.  Currently there is a 4.5 year wait for a kidney in Australia.

I’m living option 1 now.  Is it right?  Am I just pushing my body out of fear?  Fear of needles.  Fear of living on a machine.  Fear of spending days a week surrounded by illness and grief.

Am I living in denial and trying to hide from the inevitable?