A conversation from deep in the depths of Fiona Stanley Hospital – January 18th 2016:

Doctor:  “Fiona your tests show that your kidney function is at 9%”

Fiona:  “Woohoo that is brilliant.  That’s a relief.  I’m so happy… excellent… thank you”

Doctor:  “Um Fiona this is the worst news I could give you.  Anything under 15% kidney function and you’re in stage five kidney disease.  You do understand that there is no stage six?  You are at 9%.  It can’t get any worse.  You need a transplant.  Fiona, we’ve been through this several times before.  You know this, you know your diagnosis.”

Fiona:  “Oh I understand.  But what is the magic number that will force me back into dialysis?  What percentage of kidney function do I need to get down to before you force me back onto those dreadful machines?”

Doctor:  “To be honest normally anything under 10%.  But with your case it will be 7%.  Once you hit 7% kidney function, and you will, then its straight back  on to the dialysis machines.”

Fiona:  “Excellent.  Then in my view I have 2% of living to do!  I’m going to take that 2% and run.  What should we say see you in a couple of months doc?”

Doctor:  “Ok, very clever Fiona.  But no, I’ll see you every month and you’ll take your medications and injections everyday.  Oh and blood tests every week.”

Fiona.  “Ok deal.  See you in four weeks.  Thanks.”

Doctor:  “Ok.  And Fiona please remember there are no guarantees in life.  That 2% might not even last a month.  Just remember that.”

Fiona:  “Oh believe me I learnt that a long time ago.  I have the t-shirt and a mug.  I know there’s no guarantees in life.”