“Think positive”.  “The mind is powerful”.  “It’s all in the mind”.

We have all heard the quotes and sayings about what the mind can do.  And over the years I have been interested in this topic.  I have not gone down the path of meditation or downward dogs but I do enjoy reading books and blogs about how we can enhance our thinking to improve our interactions, behaviours and relationships in life.

I admit that last year I spent some time in a dark place.  After my surgeries and when I started my dialysis I hit my darkest moments in my kidney journey.  I spiralled down a rabbit hole and I struggled on a daily basis.  I struggled to get out of bed.  I struggled to shower and brush my hair.  I struggled to last a full day of work.  At one point I isolated myself and I didn’t speak to anyone.  I didn’t leave my apartment.  I was suffering physically and mentally and it was the lowest point in my life.

Today I am in a different space.  I’m back at work full time.  I’m interacting on a daily basis with friends, family and work colleagues.  I’m laughing.  I’m smiling.  I’m enjoying being alive.  But I’m also starting to realise just how much of an impact my mental health has on my physical health.

For the past few weeks I haven’t been going to hospital.  For the past few weeks I have been free from visiting the building that represents pain and the death of dreams.   And I have felt light and more alive than I have done in months.  A friend told me the other day that I looked like I had my “sparkle” back, which touched my heart.  And I felt that she was right.  I did feel a bounce in my step.  But today there is a change.  My feet feel like lead and my shoulders are hunched.  My cramps are back and I’m not sleeping.  My skin itches and my back hurts.  My bounce has gone.  My sparkle has disappeared.

Why?  Why such a change?  Is it my mind?  Is my mental state impacting my physical state.

In four more days I have my next renal specialist appointment at the hospital.  In four more days I will sit in the green chair and watch as I’m poked and pricked.  In four more days I will wear a blue gown with no back.  In four more days I will try and lay still while breathing through the pain and cold shocks.  In four more days the reality of my nightmare returns.  This makes me anxious.  This plays on my mind.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I don’t want to be sick.

So today I wonder have my symptoms really returned or is it because I’m getting anxious and emotional about going back to hospital?  Is it because my mind is keeping me up at night that my body is not resting and therefore my symptoms are hitting me hard again?  Is it a  mental vs physical cycle that I find myself stuck in?

Physically I’m doing everything I can to stay alive.  I’m injecting and swallowing medication and exercising on a daily basis.  For my mental state I’m back at work.  I’m interacting daily with friends, family and work colleagues.  I’m writing my blog and I’m enjoying my weekends.  But how do I overcome my anxiety?  How do I overcome my dread of going to the building of needles and sick people?  How do I get my mind to stop racing and remembering the trauma of past?  How do I get my mind to work with me and not against me?

Do I have the ability to overcome my fear?

Does my mind have the power to help me physically and mentally?

Four more days and I’m back in hospital.  My freedom is over.  My nightmare returns.