Today I had what I call one of my outer body experiences.  I know it is me laying on the bed.  I can feel the needles piercing my skin.  I can feel the stinging of the fluid running through my veins.  I can feel the pain as they tug at my tubes and roughly pull them from my heart, through my neck and out my chest.  I can feel the warmth of my salty tears rolling down my face.

I know I’m there.  I know this is my new ordinary.  But it all feels too confronting and strange to believe.  It all just feels so alien that it can’t really be happening.  I feel as though I’m not participating and I’m floating above watching it all being done to me.  It’s only the pain that slaps me with a dose of reality.  It’s the pain that makes it real.

Even now hours later the ache in my chest and shoulder is a reminder that it did actually happen today.  I did actually have another medical procedure.  A medical procedure that was foreign to me until today.  Until today I had no idea what would be involved in removing my Hickman line, which is the medical term for the tubes in my chest.  And to be honest after todays experience I never want to remove a Hickman line again.   It was not fun.

Many needles and tears later I am chest tube free.

Another fun filled day of rocking the blue gown.

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