Dealing with a serious illness isn’t simple.  It’s complex.  The complexities not only exist with the physical aspect of the illness but also with the  emotional and mental side and the impact it has on existing relationships.

Not everyone is able to adapt to the challenges that an illness presents.  For the person going through the illness and for the people standing on the sideline it’s at the best intense and at the worst a roller coaster nightmare with no seat belts or safety guards.  It’s a time of such distress and pressure that even the most stable person will turn to tearing out hair and screaming for some relief.  Adapting to the whirlwind of change that is thrusted upon you during a health crisis is a challenge.  I’m learning new survival techniques everyday.  I’m learning a lot.

At the start of this journey I recall having a conversation with a close friend and her partner.  As they sat by my hospital bed they shared their experiences.  One comment from this conversation of insight has stayed with me.  “Through this journey you will learn a lot about the people around you, but most of all you will learn a lot about yourself”.

My friends how right you were.  Yes I’m learning about kidney disease.  I’m learning about hospital systems, insurances and accounting.  I’m learning how to cry in the shower without getting wounds wet or soap in my eyes.  I’m learning about love, loss and relationships.  But most of all I’m learning about me.  My strengths and weaknesses are under a lens and I’m learning about who I am and who I need to be.

This phase in my life is not a chosen path.  I wasn’t prepared for this change and I now find myself navigating through this nightmare blindfolded and without the right tools.  I thought I was digging deep and doing my best to combat this change but now I realise that my best was the best for me.  But it hasn’t necessarily been the best for the people around me.  My best hasn’t necessarily been the best for the relationships I cherish.  I thought by doing everything I could to survive was the best for all concerned.  But I was wrong.  I needed to be more aware of what everyone around me also needed during this time.  My discovery of a failing organ impacted me greatly.  Yes that is true but it also impacted people closest.

In relationships we all take on roles.  Whether it’s the coordinator, the financial guru or the crazy one.  In our various relationships we all take on different roles.  Despite being thrown an illness curve ball I’ve realised that I can’t abandon these existing roles that I have formed in my relationships.  My needs and wants have changed but that doesn’t automatically mean that the needs and wants of my relationships have also changed.  I still need to be the daughter.  I still need to be the friend.  I still need to be the partner and the team mate.  I can’t let my focus of survival consume me, taking all my energy and not continue with my relationship responsibilities.  I can’t retreat to survive.

I’ve learnt that my life has taken a turn that I didn’t choose, but more importantly the people around me didn’t choose it either.  I’ve learnt that I need to hold myself accountable for dealing with my new ordinary.  This is my battle and I can’t expect my relationships to keep my head above water.  I need to carve out energy to heal and survive while at the same time nurture and protect the relationships around me.  I need to understand their needs.  Their needs of lightness.  Their needs of fun and laughter.  Their needs of the relationship that wasn’t built on illness and darkness.  My darkness can’t over flow and impact all that is around me.  No matter how much I’m hurting.  No matter how much I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.  I need to think of others and how my behaviour impacts them, our relationship and their needs.  I need to rise above my darkness and not let it splinter and fracture all that I love.

I have learnt I need to be stronger.

I have learnt that I need to dig deeper.

I have learnt about me and the roles I need to play in my relationships.

I have learnt a lot about me and how I need to be better.

My friends you were right.