I am lost.  I am in limbo.  I am stuck between two worlds.  My old familiar world and my new forming world.

My old world, pre-kidney failure, is one of design.  My design through choices that I made.  My home.  My job.  My friends.  My clothes.  My activities.  All my choices.  Choices made by a capable adult in an effort to design and live a life that fulfilled passions and wants.  Choices to bring happiness and joy to my day to day life and the people around me.  Choices that drove my goals.  Choices that I learnt from through successes and failings.  Choices that I owned and held myself accountable for.

In my old world I had choices.  My world wasn’t perfect.  My choices weren’t perfect, but it was the life I chose to lead.

My new world is kidney failure world.  It isn’t post kidney failure yet as I’m still living through it.  This world is still forming.  This world so far lacks choices.  There is no design in this world.  There is no ‘pick a path’ or multiple choice.  Instead I feel as though I am stuck on an escalator.  An escalator that I didn’t choose to get on.  An escalator that I can’t stop.  An escalator that I can’t get off.  An escalator of no known destination or stops.

In my new world I feel powerless.  I feel a loss of control.

Today I still have a foot in both worlds.  My old world is still in my grasp and my new world hasn’t swallowed me yet.  I am trying desperately to not let go of my old world, of the old me.  But as each day passes I can feel it piece by piece slipping away.  Piece by piece of me.  Piece by piece of my world.  I can feel my familiar existence getting sucked away into my new ordinary.  My new ordinary of no design.  My new ordinary that I didn’t choose.

How do I bring my two worlds together?

How do I escape limbo?

Who am I?