I’m alive!

Today was a big day in my new ordinary.  I had stitches removed from my neck and my dialysis tubes were flushed, cleaned and redressed.  But the main event of the day was my operation to form a fistula in my left arm.

This procedure joined my vein and artery together and formed a super artery.  This super artery is the fistula.  This is what my needles will be jabbed into every time I have dialysis so that I can be hooked up to my blood draining magic machine.

It will take up to three months for my fistula to heal and be ready for dialysis.  So in the meantime we will use my neck and chest tubes that I had inserted during surgery last week for dialysis.

My body has been through so much trauma lately.  I’m impressed with how my body is continuing to put one foot in front of the other.  Yes it has failed me in my life of normality but it is putting everything it’s got left in our chase for life.  And the next step in our chase for life is dialysis.

I start dialysis tomorrow.  At 3pm tomorrow for the first time I will be hooked up to my magic blood machine.  My magic blood machine will keep me alive.  It will take all of my blood out of my body.  It will filter my blood and then pump it all back into me.  This will take about 6 hours.  It’s my blood cleaning magic machine.  My machine of life.

As I lay here, listening to the man in cubicle 84 snore for Australia, tomorrow consumes my thoughts.  I’m anxious about my first time on my magic machine.  What will it feel like?  Will it hurt?  Will I feel better?  Will I cope with watching tubes of blood swirling around me?

For me it is daunting and disappointing that my life will depend on a machine.  Without the magic dialysis machine I would die.  Therefore once I start on this machine I can’t stop.  I cant stop until I get a transplant. In this life changing situation I feel a sense of loss.  A loss of control over my body and life.  A loss of independence and decision making ability.  I feel trapped without any options and feel as though I am at the mercy of my disease.

Tonight obviously I’m feeling the lightest I felt in a long time, thanks to hospital drugs.  The one positive about being in this place.  I am trying my best to take one day at a time and am working hard to fight this battle.  It is a tough and draining battle and some days I feel more positive than others.  I find this evident when I read back through my blog.  I’m up and down.  But I do understand that this is the nature of such a life changing journey.  It’s a roller coaster journey.  And one that I’m sure will continue in this topsy turvy fashion.  It’s going to be a long ride.

I survived surgery number 2.