It’s been two months since I was first diagnosed with kidney failure.

I’ve learnt a lot in two months.  I’ve learnt new words like fistula and cannula.  I’ve learnt about kidney dialysis and transplants.  I’ve learnt about super arteries and catheters. The list is long.

I’ve also done a lot in two months.  I’ve had more tests than I have fingers.  I’ve had litres of blood drained from my body.  I’ve had scans, ultrasounds, biopsies and tubes surgically inserted into my heart through my neck.  I’ve changed.

In two months I’ve adapted.  I’ve had no choice.

Tomorrow I am back at the hospital.  It will be an all day event.  I will meet with my anesthetist, admission nurse, dialysis nurse and specialist.  I will be measured, weighed, pricked and prodded.  I will pee in a cup and give up more blood.  By the end of the day I will be ready for my surgery next Tuesday and have my first dialysis session booked in.  I will also be walking away tomorrow with a set of needles and a sharps box.  Starting tomorrow I will be injecting myself daily with medication to help my red blood cells and oxygen levels.

A month ago, even two weeks ago, tomorrow would be as daunting as climbing Mount Everest or swimming with sharks.  But tonight as I lay here I’m not overcome by anxiety for what tomorrow brings, I’m calmer.  I think the calm is a result of familiarity.  I know what to expect tomorrow.  I now know how to navigate from room to room without the assistance of a friendly face or hospital signs.  I know which corridors are short cuts,  where to get the best cup of tea and I’m on first name basis with the clinic receptionist.

Two months ago I didn’t know this world existed.  Now I am living in it.  I am living in a world of needles and plastic gloves.  A world of illness and sad stories.  A world that survives on hope and innovation.  I am new in this world but I already understand the language.  I already use the currency.  It’s quickly becoming my world.  A familiar world.  It’s quickly becoming my new ordinary.

I can feel myself changing.  How could I not change? I’ve been thrust into this new world that is rapidly becoming my new ordinary.  And my new ordinary requires a different approach.  It requires a different focus.  It requires a different me.

Two months ago I was diagnosed with kidney failure.