Take II

I’m back in hospital.  I’m back in line.  Waiting to be called.  Lets hope we have a better day today.

Yesterday I prepped and I waited but my surgery was cancelled.  My surgeon at the 11th hour decided that he wouldn’t proceed with my surgery.  He decided that my veins were too small in my arms and that the super artery they were building would fail.  He predicted that I’d have lots of complications with my vein access and I would most likely need multiple surgeries to make it work.  He decided he didn’t want to do the surgery.  Instead I did more tests.

So today here I am again prepped and waiting for surgery.  We are going ahead with the temporary access in my chest and my doctors also want to put a tube in my stomach.  The one thing I decided from the start I didn’t want.  A TUBE in my stomach. NO! I don’t want a tube in my stomach.  I don’t want to walk around with bags of fluid in my handbag.  I don’t want to drain my own stomach multiple times a day.  I don’t want a tube in my stomach.

My options are limited.  My veins have constrained me.  They have betrayed me.  My whole body has betrayed me.  I hate my body.  I give up on it.  I want to give up on all of it.

I’m exhausted.

I’m confused.

I’m devastated.

I’m not even sure what surgery I’m having today.  It’s all turned into a blur.

Life as a sick person is not fun.  It’s a horrible circus.

I don’t want any of it.

I don’t want to be me.