I can’t sleep.
My head is racing and my legs won’t stay still. I’m so irritable I want to scratch my own skin off.
I’m petrified and tired. A very weird combination. I’m petrified about what I’m turning into. My body will be changed forever. I’ll have tubes and veins visible for the world to see. The tubes will be a sign around my neck declaring me a sick person. No more hiding. No more pretending. No forgetting.
I’m tired by the emotions. I’m tired by the unanswered questions. I’m tired from the trying to please. I desperately want to sleep and dream of another time. Dream of another world. But my dreams are plagued with my worries. I have no escape. There is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. This is it.
I have a secret. I’m still not ready. I might smile and nod on the outside but on the inside I’m breaking. On the inside I’m broken. My wound is still open. My wound is fresh. I’ve not hardened. I’m not protected yet. I’m still soft and vulnerable.
I’m scared of tomorrow. I never wanted tomorrow to come. Now it is nearly today.
Please be kind to me tomorrow. Please see my fear.
I have surgery tomorrow.
I become the new Fee.
Hey Fee
I’ve tried to write this message so many times, but have to admit I’m finding it hard to find the right words. There probably isn’t any that will make you feel better about what you have to do in a few hours.
All I can say is that I have no doubt you will fight for your life and succeed. You will have a meaningful life and career and you will look back at these times and see that they have made you even stronger.
Try and think of today as a means to an end. Dialysis will make you feel better and help you to be able to think straight and plan for the future. I know not quite the future you were thinking of, but one all the same with lots of happy memories and good times.
Thinking of you and am here for you at any time
Love Susie xx