Today I met Ceasar.  Ceasar is my counsellor.  Ceasar is my confidant.  Ceasar is going to help me fight for my life and stop me from losing my mind.  Ceasar is needed and welcomed into my new ordinary.

Today was my first session with Ceasar and I liked his questions.  I liked how simple he made my situation.  Yes a lot of it is common sense.  Yes a lot of it is about stating the obvious.  But overall for me it is about getting the right focus and committing to that focus.

My focus is staying alive.

Ceasar repeated several times during our session “you are fighting for you life”.  And yes I am, but it felt quite raw and confronting to hear this stranger in this strange room saying it out loud.  He isn’t my friend.  He isn’t my family.  He isn’t my work colleague.  Yet after just twenty minutes of chat he summarized my current situation in six words.  “You are fighting for your life”.

And yes I am.

I am fighting for my life.  I am fighting to survive this.  I am fighting to keep my job.  I am fighting to keep my friendships and my relationships.  I am fighting to keep my sanity.  I am fighting for my life.

I am finding this fight quite exhausting.  And I am not sure if I am winning.  I am not sure actually if there is a winner to this fight.  But I need to commit.  I need to focus.

My strategy is one day at a time.  My strategy is focus on what is in front in of me and not worry about what comes after that.  My surgery is what is next in front of me.  I need to follow the instructions.  I need to trust my surgeon.  I need to get through my surgery.

It was good to meet you today my new confidant.

My surgery is Thursday.

I am scared.  I am nervous.

I have two more sleeps.

I will get through my surgery.  Then I will ask what’s next.