“That’s it.  We are at the end of the road.  There is no more time.  You’re kidneys are done.  If we don’t get you on dialysis ASAP only bad things will now start to happen.  We can’t push through anymore.

We have lots to do to get you ready.”

And yes we did lots! I was poked, pricked, slapped and pulled.  I was weighed, measured and covered in gel.  I laid down, I rolled over and I bent like a pretzel.  I sighed, coughed, cried and laughed.  I was grateful, overwhelmed, tired and sore.  Yesterday was a long long day in hospital. And at the end of it all my next steps were planned.  My fate was signed.

My first surgery is next week.  My first surgery is to get me ready for dialysis.

During this surgery I will have two main procedures.  I will have a catheter (tubes) put in my chest and I will have my veins cut open and connected to form a super artery.

The catheter in my chest will be used immediately for my dialysis.  It will be used to connect me to my dialysis machine through two needles.  I will use the catheter for about 3 months while the veins in my arm heal and grow into the super artery.  Once the veins in my arm are healed we then stop using the catheter in my chest and start using my super artery.  Two needles will be put into my super artery in my left arm and will be the connection to my dialysis machine.

I will start dialysis immediately after surgery, through my chest catheter.  I will be hooked up to the dialysis machine three times a week for six to eight hours each time.

So that’s it.  That’s my new life.  And it is about to start.  I have no choice.  I have no other option.  If I don’t have surgery and do dialysis I will die in a few weeks.

I’m not ready to die.

I’m also not ready to live on a machine.

I cried a lot yesterday.  I cried a lot today.  Does that make me weak?  Should I hide my tears and only cry on my pillow?  Do I need to be careful who I cry in front of?  Will people think I’m weak and that I should just get on with it?   Do people think I should have accepted it by now?  Should I care about how people judge me?

I do.

What am I crying about the most? Is it my loss of freedom?  Or is it the thought of being kept alive by a machine?  Am I crying out of fear?  The fear of losing my career?   The fear of needles three times a week?  The fear of hemorrhaging? The fear of being physically ugly and deformed by the large twisted super vein that is going to run up my arm? Or is it the pain?

I am not sure exactly what my tears are for.  Maybe a combination of all my fears and questions bundled with exhaustion, pain and a general feeling of being overwhelmed.  One thing I know is I can’t hold back my tears and I’m sorry for crying on you, friends and family.  Thankyou for your shoulders.

I have no words of wisdom today.  All I have is a path that I must travel.  I need to dig deep to stay on this path.  And I know I will.  But I can’t promise it will be a journey free of tears or bad days.  All I can promise is to give it my best shot.  My best go.

That’s all I’ve got.