“Have you found a kidney yet?”

Where do I look?  Behind the couch?  In my bedside drawer?  The deli section in Woolworths?

This is my delema.

My specialist encourages me to ask my family, my friends for a kidney.  This, according to my specialist, is apparently my best bet for health.  My less invasive route for survival.  My other option is go on dialysis and then the waiting list for a donor kidney.  In Australia the process to get a donor kidney is that I must go on dialysis first and then I can register on the donor waiting list.  The average waiting time in Australia for a kidney is four years.  And the main reason for my specialist wanting me to find a kidney and not go on dialysis are the associated risks with dialysis. There are all sorts of complications that come with dialysis as well as the lifestyle impact.

My delema of accepting a kidney from a family member or friend is putting them through the traumatic experience of tests and surgery.  It isn’t simple.  There is a lot to go through.  And it is not guaranteed success.  What if my body rejects the family or friend kidney?  Then they went through all that pain and suffering for nothing.

I would feel guilty.  Guilty for their generous gift that I didn’t accept.  I would also live in fear that they too would fall ill.  That their only kidney somehow would also fail them and then they are facing the same fate as me – dialysis and transplant.  I just couldn’t live with myself knowing that they have to live their life like I am now.  I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy let alone someone I love.

So in answer to your question, my specialist, no I haven’t found a kidney yet.  And I won’t be seeking out a match in my family or my friends.

This is my fate.  I will run the gauntlet.  I will be living on a machine whether it takes two years or ten.

I will be strong.

I will survive.