My expectations have not been met.  I expected a strategy.  I expected a plan.  That is what I had built this day up to.  But it failed.  Somewhere along the way my schedule and clarity of what’s next got lost.  Instead I had more tests and a visit to a dialysis clinic.

Initially I was upset that my expectations hadn’t been met and that my day didn’t go to plan.  But now upon reflection of my day I think the visit to the dialysis clinic was a positive step forward.

So what did I get today?

1.  I had more tests showing that my organs are still failing – yep no change there.  Good to know.
2. Another appointment.  In 7 more sleeps I get to finally talk about surgery and dialysis clinics and schedules.
3. A visit to a dialysis clinic.  I visited the clinic, saw the process and heard stories.  Sad stories.  Real life stories.

The  visit to the clinic was the biggest step forward for me today.  All the images that I had of a dialysis clinic, the images of how the clinic would look and feel are no longer fictional.  From my visit today I now have reality.  The reality of a dialysis clinic is vastly different to what I had formed inside my head.  Reality is a large grey cold hospital room full of beds.  Rows of beds full of sick people.  Sick people under covers hooked up to magic machines.  Large magic machines with lots of tubes and flashing lights.

I felt out of place in the dialysis clinic.  I felt like an intruder.  But I wasn’t.  I am one of them.  I will become one of them.  I will be lying in a bed, under the covers with a machine attached to my limb.  My life will depend on that machine.  A blood draining machine will be my life line, my closest companion.

How will that change me?   Will it suck life out of me?  Or will it give me life?

Is this a glass half empty or glass half full question?

I think my dialysis clinic visit has given me more determination.  More determination to not let this kick me.  I might be bruised and battered.  I might be scared and anxious.  I might be hurt from the needles, sore from the cramps and nauseous from the drugs.  But I’m still me.

Maybe I needed to see reality.  Maybe I needed to see my new world in action.  In action before I entered it.  Maybe this is what my strength is for.  I don’t need to accept this world in its current form.  I can change it to suit me.  Sure I’ll need to change my routines, my habits, my lifestyle.  But maybe I don’t need to change me.

I’m alive.

I’m chocolate for breakfast.

I’m happy Friday.

I’m champagne and pyjamas.

I’m Fee.