That’s it, game over, we lost the race against time. It is official my kidneys won’t bounce back. They are not going to make a great come back. They are not going to be the main attraction at the circus, they are not going to be the death defying act that draws crowds from all over the globe.
They are dead.
I am sad, I am devastated.
All hope has gone.
I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for this. I have been telling people that I would need dialysis and a transplant, but the truth was I was still holding onto hope that my kidneys would kick start themselves back to life. That they would start working again and I could be me again, I could just go back to my life, I could go back to work, I could be normal. Now I am stuck in this circus. Stuck on the merry-go-round of hospitals, needles, surgery and dialysis. I don’t like the merry-go-round. I want to get off, I want to go home and never come back to the circus! I hate clowns.
There is no why. There is no definite disease. Is it something that I have done? Could I have lived differently? Should I have gone to the doctors earlier – HELP ME
There is no help. There is no knight in shining armour that can sweep me off my feet and take me to a far off land and live happily ever after. My life is now a circus.
I am scared, scared of what is to come, scared of my new life, I am scared of clowns who paint on fake faces. Who am I now? Who will I be? Fee is gone, who is this new person in her place? What act does she do in the circus? Can she act? Is she strong? Is she weak? Can she deal with this pain and hurt that now engulfs her.
It hurts, it hurts so deep down it is like a low growl in the pit of my stomach. The growl is waiting to explode into a roar. A roar of pure pain and emotion.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I have no fight left in me. I gave it everything I had. I followed instructions. I took the pills, I learnt the circus tricks. I joined the circus. But they wanted more. The crowds wanted more. Now they have all gone home. The tent is empty, it is quiet. It is sad and lonely in the big tent.
I need to now learn new tricks. I need to pick up my sore battered body and change costumes. I need to become a new act. It is going to take time to be able to move from the bottom of the ring to the trapeze. To fly again – will I ever fly again?
One thing is for sure Fee – you were born to fly. Your mountain of victory is waiting so that you can write about your great escape from the Yellow Circus from the summit.
Some inspiration from Dr Seuss for today:
“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
xx
I love your Dr Seuss quotes. Have you always been into them? CA you have been an amazing and inspirational friend since I met a couple of years ago. I feel very lucky to know you and have you in my corner. You and Dan have helped so much and for that ill be eternally grateful.
Xxxx
I can only imagine how you must be feeling Fee, but if anyone can find the best way to navigate through this, it’s you!
I came across this story a few years ago, but try to live by the title. The story is not the same as yours but seems relevant…. to me anyway! 🙂
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING………
By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, “If I were any better, I’d be twins!”
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there, telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, “I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?” Jerry replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.’ I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.”
“Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.
“Yes it is,” Jerry said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live life.”
I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins. Wanna see my scars?”
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. “The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door,” Jerry replied.
“Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.
“Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.
Jerry continued, “The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, ‘He’s a dead man.
“I knew I needed to take action.”
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said Jerry. “She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes,’ I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply… I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Bullets!’ Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.”
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
I absolutely love this! Thanks so much for posting it. I need to work on my attitude, I don’t want to be a victim or a survivor of this, I want to build my new world with strength and wisdom as well vulnerability to learn new things and trust in the team of people around me. You help me with this and I thank you Russ, I miss sitting next you my desk buddy xx
I can only imagine how you must be feeling Fee, but if anyone can find the best way to navigate through this, it’s you!
Stay positive!
Thanks Russ
This made me so sad but all I can say is Fee will never be gone xx
Thanks Manda for being my rock and my voice of reason. You are so special to me and I’m grateful everyday that I am so privileged to be able to call you my friend. You have an amazing ability to pick me up in any situation – thankyou from the bottom of my heart xxx
You are one of the most positive and optimistic people I have ever met, people draw strength from that.
Continue to draw strength from your family and friends. My thoughts are with you ….. and your words this echoes through me on this day …. Happy Friday! 🙂
Thanks Keong! No matter what happens we will always have Happy Friday:)
There is no doubt what so ever that you will fly again and you will do it with style!
There are many of us here to help lift you if needed.
Go girl.
Thanks Pam. You are such a positive influence in my life, and one day I hope can fly like you xxx
They may be gone but you are not, they just could not keep up with Miss De Stefanis. There will be a transplant, it will work, you will recover and heaven help the world then. I remember how much trouble a 100% you can wreak! I for one and terrified/excited by the possibility. I know it will eventuate.
Thanks Phil, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be as crazy as I was years ago:) But I sm hoping my new ordinary will bring lots of positive energy and fun with it! Thanks for following my blog.
Thinking of you everyday Fee