“What are the five things you want to do before you’re 25?”

” Ok. I’ll go first.

1. Go to uni
2. Get a tattoo
3. Buy a new car – off one of those turn table things
4. Go to Italy
5. Buy a house with a white picket fence”

I was seventeen when I made that list.  I was sitting on my college oval with my two best friends, Jodie and Shane.  The three amigos.  We were inseperable.  How simple it all was.  Our whole lives ahead of us to go and chase our dreams.

Ask me again.  What are the five things I want to do in the next five years?

1. Survive – stay alive
2. Organise an annual fund raising event for stem cell research – make a difference, give back
3. Go back to Italy – my happy place
4. Use my time lying in a hospital bed wisely – work hard, study, grow and learn
5. Spend more time with family and friends

Maybe I need a sixth.  Be present.  Be in the now.  Stop worrying about tomorrow as I’m missing today.  Stop worrying about who I need to be.  Slow down.  Look around.  Breathe it in.  Tomorrow might never come.

We have a list.  A list makes everything better.  Is that a good list?  Are they SMART?  Will they shape me to who I want to be?

I don’t know who I am and I don’t know who I want to be? I’m Fee but I’m changing.  I’m tired, I’m hurt, I’m confused, I’m angry, I’m sad.

Do you recognise me?

Do I recognise me?

Are you with me?

Hold my hand.  Come with me.

This is going to be a ride.  A ride of ups and downs.  A ride of smiles and tears.  But we have a list now.

I promise I’ll keep trying.

I promise I won’t give up.

Please don’t give up on me.