I’m not ready.

I had 13 more sleeps. Now I only have 6.

Why does he want to see me earlier than planned? It must be my test results. My blood and my body are robbing me of time.  My dying kidneys are cheating me of my freedom.  I want to scream.

In 6 more sleeps I have to face my fate. I have to face my fate and hear once and for all when we are going to put scalpel to flesh.  Acceptance is no longer a choice.  I must finally accept that I am getting on the merry go round of hospitals and machines. A merry go round that won’t stop.  A merry go round that once I’m on I can’t get off.

I’m not ready.

Im not ready for this next chapter in my life to start. I’m not ready for my second address to be a hospital. I’m not ready to give up my freedom.

I don’t want to spend half my life in a hospital bed.  I don’t want to meet new people dressed in uniform armed with needles and thermometers.  I don’t want to accept this.

This is it, 6 more sleeps.  No more hiding. No more retreating.  No more pretending that it is all just a bad dream.  No more pretending that I have my big girl pants on and that I’m strong.  I now have to be strong.

I read a quote today.

“You never know how strong you are. Until being strong is your only choice”

I guess I’m about to find out how strong I really am.  I have no choice.