“I’m sorry, it wasn’t what we wanted, your only option is dialysis and transplant. Any questions?”
“Umm yes. Is this genetic?”
“No”
“Can I still drink…alcohol?”
“Yes
“Can I go home now…please?”
“Yes”
I have been taking the less is more approach to my kidney failure diagnosis. I understand what it is. I understand what it means to my body. I understand the treatment, from a medical perspective. And I know some basic stats and numbers.
Is this enough?
Is it time for me to put on my big girl pants and ask the questions I don’t want to know the answers to? Is it time to read the stories of the bad and the ugly? Is it time to read stories of battles and pain?
I’m scared of reading stories of blown out arteries, infections and weeping wounds. I’m scared of horror stories taking over my already distracted mind and sending me further into my rabbit hole of anxiety and fear. Fear of my new ordinary. Fear of my new life.
I’m scared of not reading the horror stories and limping blindly into my new ordinary. Unprepared for my new world that awaits me. My new world of anesthetic creams, needle digging and magic machines. My new world that is being forced upon me.
Will it help to read other people’s stories? Will it help to read about their lessons and their advice? Or despite it being a road well travelled is this my journey, my different and unique journey?
Maybe it’s a balance….maybe this is just another book to read, a topic to learn, an experience of change….
Horror is not my genre.
To read or not to read….
Hi Fee,
I remember the first time I met you, sitting in a room full of big girl ‘posters’ 🙂 trying to figure out how all the pieces of the poster puzzle fitted together!
I remember being in awe, of how clever you were, with such ease able to break down the complex puzzle into bite sized bits so everyone (even little old me), could understand.
It makes me sad to hear you aren’t keeping well, but I wanted to remind you not that I think you are clever, that goes without saying, but more importantly what I learned since that day …. how very strong you are too!
I can imagine it doesn’t feel that way some days! But in the little time I got to spend with you, I got a glimpse of the strength that I know will guide you through those dark moments. When you grow weary, and need a quiet place to rest, gather your resolve, and perhaps launder those big girl pants, know that your family and friends will be there for you … with chocolate on sticks, at the ready!
Take care friend, you are in my thoughts …… keep writing and smiling
Bina xxx
Hi Bina
So lovely to hear from you! And thank you so much for your kind words, you have definitely made my day.
I am digging deep to find strength each day to put one foot in front of the other, but getting messages of support like yours makes it so much easier. You inspire me, so thank you.
Please keep reading, share it with your friends and lets catch up soon.
I hope you are well.
Fee
xxx
That is a tough one fi. I always ask myself whether knowing something will make a difference…what will I do with the information once I have it & if it’s not positive or it makes no difference….well…something to think about. We hear so much these days about the power of the mind & how positive thinking can have so many benefits to our overall well being. Where this sits with avoidance or denial is also a tricky one but like you said, maybe it is all about balance. I have know doubt You will work out what works best for you when you’re ready.
Still thinking of you xxx
Hey Don
Thanks for your words of wisdom, they definitely hit home for me. I like the bit about asking myself what will I do with the information? I am trying the mindfulness approach and I have been researching how I can increase my positivity while being present and actually growing from this situation.
Thank you so much for reading my posts and sending me messages, it means the world to me. Let’s catch up soon, I hope you are well.
xxxx