Is this fight worth fighting? This is a question I have asked myself more than once over the past twelve months.
My transition into my new ordinary has been a long and hard journey. There has been many ups and downs. Lots of tears and tantrums. Lots of loss and new friendships. Lots of hope and disappointments. And throughout this time I have been open about falling into darkness. I have been open about falling down my rabbit hole. I have been open about being confused and lost. I have been open about questioning my life and why I’m here fighting to stay alive.
Fighting to stay alive is a term I use to describe the physical and medical side of my journey but I also use it as a reference to my day to day life. I know that I need to listen to my specialists and do whatever it takes to preserve my kidney function. And I do that. But my bigger question has been what do I need to do to keep the life I want? What do I need to do to have a purpose in life that is bigger than me?
I want to work full time. I want to continue to interact with my family and friends. I want to live as normal possible until I can’t. I’m not in denial. I realise that the time will come when I will be hooked up to a machine three days a week. I know my whole life will change. But that moment is not now. However right now I don’t have a family that wraps their arms around me. Telling me, begging me to keep fighting because they need me. And that has been my choice in life so I focus on what does give me purpose. My work. But my work also doesn’t wrap its arms around and make me feel loved. So what are my options?
And we come back full circle. I start to question what is my purpose? Why am I fighting so hard to stay in this world? What do I do next? How do I make lemonade?
Is it to continue down the path of sharing the kidney awareness message? Is there also an opportunity to contribute to the mental health arena? Do I have a book in me?
My head is racing.
I know I need a purpose that is bigger than me?
Just what is it?