The intent of this blog was to help me as an outlet to express my feelings and thoughts.  It was ultimately meant to be used as a type of therapy.  A journal to capture the ups and downs of my kidney failure adventure.  Now nearly twelve months since my diagnosis I would say that it has worked.  I have become quite attached to my blog.  I have turned to it in times of frustration, heartache, darkness and loss.  My blog has become a bit of a crutch,  something that I depend on to be there when I need it.  It has become a way for me to vent without laying burden.  It has also helped me find clarity in my thoughts and reactions.  At times it has even proven to be my saviour.

This blog has been a positive tool during my hardest hours but it has also been an instigator of distress within some circles of family and friends.  At first I was confused.  I couldn’t understand why those close to me would struggle to read my posts and why they would react negatively.  But over time I came to realise that it was mainly due to two reasons.

Firstly, my ramblings that I post are in my head and usually I don’t share the same thoughts verbally.  For example I might express in my blog that I was having a tough week.  That I was down and struggling to understand how I was going to get through the challenges ahead of me.  On that same day I might have lunch with a friend and we would chat and laugh about other topics in life.  Later that evening when my lunch date went home they might open my blog and read that I was struggling.  This could then trigger feelings of confusion as I didn’t mention that at lunch.  They would question my honesty and wonder about the truth.  Was I struggling as I wrote in my blog?  Or was I actually ok as I said at lunch?

The second reason why my blog caused a few issues over the past twelve months is that my posts are raw.  At times my raw descriptions and emotions have been too confrontational resulting in an outpouring of concern and disapproval for my decisions and actions from some friends and family members.  This has been difficult for me to deal with as I believe that my posts shouldn’t be tailored to address my audience.  I believe that I should be able to write my uncensored feelings and thoughts.  I want my writing to depict as closely as possible the journey I am going through, showing the impact of kidney failure on my physical and mental health.  And I believe that as the author of my blog I get the right to decide the content.

Despite some issues that my blog has caused, overall I have found it enjoyable and therapeutic to write my posts.  But all good things must come to an end and my time in posting about my kidney journey is nearly up.  I said I would write about the year I said goodbye to my kidneys and in a couple of weeks that year will be over.

I am going to miss this blog.

What’s next?