BIG TENT ATTRACTION: Hemodialysis
Come one, come all. There is a new act at the Yellow Circus. Hemodialysis will be arriving soon…..
Decision made. I will put on a new costume and perform my new circus act. Hemodialysis will be my new death defying circus act. This act is me choosing life.
To keep living I will expand my artery. I will have two arteries in my left arm joined to make a bigger artery. A super artery. We will use this super artery to pump blood in and out of my body through a needle and a machine. This machine is my bull hook, my juggling balls, my batons of fire. This is my magic machine and I will be hooked up to my magic machine three times a week for four to six hours each time.
I call my magic machine Kevin.
Kevin, I will to come to the big tent and we will perform our death defying circus act three times a week. But once we have finished our performance I will leave you. I will leave you, I will leave the big tent and I will go home. I will go home to my sanctuary. My sanctuary without machines, without needles, without bags of magic solution. I will go home and leave the big tent of sickness behind me.
For four days of the week I won’t see you Kevin. I won’t enter the big tent and perform my death defying act. On these four days I will live life as Fee. Fee without sickness. Fee without a death defying circus act. Fee without a magic machine called Kevin keeping her alive. I will live these four days free. I will live just as Fee.
Kevin I will allow you to exist in one part of my world – as I have no choice. Dialysis or death. But Kevin you will not take over my world. You will not dictate how I live my life. You and your magic will make me feel better. You will not make me feel sick. I will not wear that label.
There is a new death defying act arriving soon at the circus. Come one, come all.
Please write a book Fee! 🙂
Thanks Russ! It is something I’d love to do one day – fingers crossed:)
We’ve been thinking of you and was wondering what decision about treatment you would choose. Could not have imagined that you would have another awful thing happen to you but hope you can find the strength to carry on. You are always in our thoughts.
Hi Jean
Thanks for your message. It’s been a long and challenging few weeks. I have decided to go the hospital and do hemodialysis. I just couldn’t imagine having a tube permanently in my stomach and having to do treatment myself three to four times a day. I also really want to keep my illness out of my home and try and separate my illness. This way I can go to the hospital do the treatment and leave it all behind once I get home. I don’t want medical stuff in our home, I want home to be my sanctuary.
We will see how I go and hopefully it’ll all work out ok. Yeah the mugging has been a horrible experience and it has really shaken me up. Poor Owen he must dread it every time I call him, there’s been a lot if drama lately.
I hope you are both well and thanks for reading my blog, I appreciate your support.
Xxxx
Hi Fiona,
I was talking to your mum tonight. I have read all you journal, and really had no idea what people went through.. Thank you for your disciption of your journey… You write so well, it is like you are taking us on your journey with you.. You are so down to earth and so very brave! I have felt privileged to read your blog.
Your mother courage is definitely past to you also… My God be with you.
Regards, Di
Hi Di
So lovely to hear from you and thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you are connecting with my story, it’s definitely been a challenging time.
As hard as it has been for me to go through this I know it’s also been hard on Mum. She is my inspiration. With what she has been through and how she has pushed through I know I can do the same.
Thanks for your support, it means a lot to me and I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to Mum as well.
I hope you are well.
Xxxx