Being open and honest about how we feel is something that I think we all struggle with.  I know personally I am torn between wanting to be honest and open with everyone versus knowing my audience and tailoring my level of honesty accordingly.

Being asked how I am in relation to my health is now a daily conversation.  My main interaction is with people at work and due to my most recent collapsing episode everyone around me is very aware of my medical condition.  This is not an issue for me as I wish to bring awareness to kidney disease and I also feel very lucky to have such a strong support network around me.  The issue is that most days I feel like crap.  Most days my back is killing me.  Most days I want to scratch my skin off.  Most days I feel as though my limbs aren’t connected to my brain and that I am walking through quick sand.

But on the flip side, most days I don’t want to reply a “how are you” with a list of my ailments.  What I actually want to do is put a smile on my face and say “I’m good thanks”, “how are you?”.  Because that is also actually the truth with how I am feeling.  The fact that I am at work means it is a good day.  The fact that I am capable of walking means it is a good day.  The fact that I can interact and think without bursting into tears means that it is a good day.

That is why I am torn.  I do feel good because I am at work and I am interacting.  I have a purpose and I love my work.  But I also feel pretty lousy as my body is breaking down and I feel that I don’t have any control.

So in thinking all this through, I will continue to try and be real and hope that everyone understands that I don’t always want to focus on my health as it is a continuous bad feeling.