It is now 10 months since my initial diagnosis of kidney failure. Time has flown.
Today I took some time out to reflect on my earlier blog posts and this one in particular (Circus Show Day 5) struck a chord with me. I had only been in hospital for five days and we were still running lots of tests to determine my full diagnosis.
A lot has changed in the 10 months since I wrote the blog below, but I still remember how I felt like it was yesterday. I remember how scared I was. I remember the constant knot in my stomach. I remember the pain in my arm. I remember the look of fear on everyone’s face around me.
CIRCUS SHOW DAY 5
BIG TENT ATTRACTION: Mental Health Day
I have now been in this circus for five days! In these five days I have been poked, prodded, bent in every direction and I feel like a human pin cushion peeing machine. Yes peeing machine. All everyone talks about is pee (urine). How many times have I peed? What colour was the pee? How much did I pee? Was it easy to pee? Was it frothy? FROTHY?? What does that even mean? Does it mean my pee was was overflowing out of the toilet and running out the door?
No, my pee does not froth like a dog with rabies. I think it is rather normal pee and I am tired of talking about it. Just like I am tired of giving blood. How much blood can one person give? Can I actually run out of blood and have nothing but air running through my veins? And the problem with giving blood every 5 minutes is that it involves a needle being shoved into my arm and lucky me, I have a needle PHOBIA. The type of phobia that makes me shake, cry and basically imagine pain that doesn’t exist!
So to summarise how I feel today I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed that five days ago I was at work wishing everyone a Happy Friday and now I am living in a hospital room with peach walls and a smell that makes my nose itch. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to have kidneys that don’t work and I especially don’t want to see another needle hanging out of my arm or talk about my pee.
Today I decided was a mental health day!!
I cancelled my biopsy, all of my tests and I refused to engage with anyone talking about my pee. I gave myself the day off from being a sick person – today I was not sick. I am me Fee, an ordinary person who was forced to join the yellow circus.
Hmmm I think they are all thinking that I am mental. The look on the poor nurses faces when I refused to give blood, when I screamed that I need a mental health day, when I screamed that I am a human being with physical and mental needs – that I am not a PIN CUSHION! I think I actually saw fear in one of the nurses eyes. Or maybe that was pity for the crazy women losing her mind in front of her. There could be a real possibility that the ward nurse is now scrambling to fill out the transfer papers to send me to the psych ward. Well actually I am feeling a bit crazy today, so maybe that would be a nice break – maybe they don’t have needles in the psych ward.
I am trying my best not to feel guilty or embarrassed by my mental health day. I feel much better now that I have vented and expressed my feelings. I also feel better as I had a day full of visitors. I have had lots of friends visit me today and even my boss. Wow I can’t believe how much that has helped me, I feel energised from their visits and most of all I feel loved and not alone. Thank you my friends, words can not express the gratitude I have for you taking time out of your busy lives to come and see me – I love you all!! And in particular one friend, you know who you are, you are my lifeline and I couldn’t get through this without you.
Overall I think my mental health day had to happen and I think I am turning a corner.
TRICKS I LEARNT ON SHOW DAY 5:
- Having friends around me is going to get me through this – they are so special
- Pee can actually froth – who knew?
- Nurses and doctors focus on treating the physical and not the mental – I need to look out for my own mental health through this process