Today I read some advice:

Think for yourself.  Trust your own intuition.  Another’s mind isn’t walking your journey, you are.

Making decisions for my future has never been difficult for me.  I’ve always found it quite easy.  In fact I have found it so easy that at times  I have been called impulsive and too carefree.  Moving from one side of the country to another on a whim with nothing more than a suit case has happened more than once in my life.  Most of my “quick” and not so “planned” life changing actions have luckily turned out well and have contributed to the adventurous and interesting life I’ve led.  But over the past few months my urge to throw caution to the wind has diminished.  I feel paralyzed and anxious in making personal decisions.

I’ve been thinking about why at work making decisions hasn’t changed.  At work I can still hold my own and feel confident that I make sound decisions based on the facts at hand.  However in my personal life it’s the complete opposite. Making decisions has almost become impossible.

When thinking about why this is I tend to be landing on one word.  Fear.

I’m fearful of making the wrong decision.   I’m fearful of hurting my friends.  I’m fearful of hurting my family.  I’m fearful that the decisions I make will impact whatever health and mental capacity I have left.  I’m fearful of letting people down.  I’m fearful that people have invested so much time in me, in supporting me through my illness that they might disagree with what I decide and then not support me anymore.  I’m fearful that my decision might be wrong and I’ll die before I can correct it.

I feel crippled by this fear and I try to put off making these life decisions.  But what I have quickly found out is that these decisions don’t go away.  I can’t just ignore them and push them to one side.

So today I will make a decision.  And yes I know some won’t understand.  And yes I know some won’t support.  If I’m honest I don’t truly understand.  I can’t always clearly articulate the thinking.  But I’m following my own intuition.  I’m following my gut.  I might be wrong.  I might fall down again. But I’ll fall because I made my own decision.  It’ll be on me.  And I’ll own in.  I’ll swallow the nasty pill of wrong if I need to and deal with the heart ache.  But at least I know I tried.  I’ll know I gave it my best shot.  I know I gave it my all.

I like to think I’ve grown a lot lately and that I’ve learnt a thing or two.  One thing I think I’ve learnt is that life is complicated.  People are complicated.  Relationships are complicated.  Sometimes it’s easier to give up.  And sometimes its healthier to give up.  But right now I’m in the fighting mood.  I’m going to fight this one out.

I hope you will understand.  And if you can’t, I’m sorry.