I live in two worlds.

In my hospital world I don’t have a name.  I am a disease.  An illness.  People refer to me as “renal” or “out”.  Out is a term they give to people who are sick and come to the hospital for treatment.  In my case I go to the dialysis clinic which is based in the hospital.  If I was staying in the hospital ward then I would be referred to as “in”.  In this hospital world I feel sick.  I know that I am sick.  I can’t hide from it.  If I wasn’t sick then I wouldn’t be apart of this world.  There is no denial in this world.

In my hospital world my main interactions are with people in uniform with checklists.  Our conversations are questions.  We focus on  my pee.  The colour of my pee.  How frequently I pee and whether I have fluid, which is most likely pee, blowing up my ankles.    Personal space is not highly regarded during these interactions with touching, poking and prodding being an accepted part of the dance between doctor and patient.

In my hospital world I am surrounded by yellow people with missing limbs.  I don’t know their names and they don’t know mine.  There is just an unspoken acknowledgement that we are bound by the same illness.  We may be at different stages of our decline, but we are all fighting in our own silence to stay alive.

In my ordinary world I am called Fee.  In this world I have a purpose.  I have a job that I love as I get to work with amazing people everyday.  I am constantly learning and growing and I feel apart of something that is bigger than myself.

In my ordinary world I am a daughter, a sister, an aunty and a friend.  I am surrounded by people that I love and respect.  I enjoy going to the movies, having a  good belly laugh and eating chocolate for breakfast.  In this world I am not a disease.  I am Fee who sometimes has a bad day.  I am Fee who sometimes has to go to hospital.   In this world people don’t talk to me about my pee.  In this world people respect my personal space.  In this world I don’t fear needles and scalpels.  In this world my illness is a part of my life, but it isn’t my life.

I like living in two different worlds.  I don’t want the two worlds to merge, to blend.  I want them to stay separate.  I want to be Fee.