BIG TENT ATTRACTION:  Kidney Biopsy

Why does everything in this place have to involve a needle?  It is the tool of choice for nurses and doctors,  just like my tool of choice as a consultant was a flip chart and whiteboard markers.  They are everywhere including in the process of getting a kidney biopsy!

So after all the drugs, scans, blood tests and ultra sounds it was time for the big one – the kidney biopsy, and yes of course it involved needles (plural!!).  My doctor clearly explained the steps of the biopsy:

1. I am rolled onto my stomach
2. A local anesthetic is injected into my lower back through a needle (of course it is!) to numb the area
3. Once the lower back area is numb another needle is injected through my back.  This time the needle goes all the way through to my kidneys.
4. A piece of my kidney is then sucked up by the needle and is taken from my body (This is obviously my interpretation of step 4.  I don’t think my doctor would use the term ‘sucked up’)
5. Step 4 is repeated a couple of times to make sure they get a good sample – oh joy!
6. The sample is given to a scientist who checks it for scarring etc.

I love gaining knowledge and learning new things, however I would have been very happy to never have been introduced to the joy of a kidney biopsy.  Knowing what is involved in  a kidney biopsy made me more nervous than my Mum’s tooth pulling method.  When I was a kid my Mum would get a piece of string and tie one end of it to my loose tooth and the other end would be tied to the nearest door knob.  On the count of three she would slam the door and my baby tooth would be yanked out of my mouth and go scattering across the floor.  Was it traumatic?  Absolutely!  However I must give it to her for being effective , my Mum had 100% strike rate.

Today I would rather be tooth pulling than sticking needles through my back.  My imagination pictures a needle the size of a small tree trunk going through my spine and coming out the other side through my stomach. In my imaginary biopsy the needle is being stabbed through with force, like a stake to a vampire.

I am starting to think I really need to do something about my imagination if I am going to survive this yellow circus without having a nervous breakdown.

I am however proud to announce that I survived the needle biopsy.  I am now nursing a sore back where the rather small needle (it wasn’t anything like a tree stump) was inserted.  Woohoo another medical accomplishment can be added to my list.  It is also however another medical experience that I hope I never have to go through again. It definitely rates as the scariest and most painful yellow circus experience yet.