On Tuesday I had a sliding doors moment. A moment, upon reflection, that could have gone a very different way. The impact of going through a different door would have affected every aspect of my life.
Tuesday was D Day. It was a day where once again I was being cut open in the ongoing challenge to keep me alive. I was having my veins fixed as my super vein had collapsed. This larger than normal vein in my left arm is needed for when I have to go on dialysis. When on dialysis we will use a dialysis machine to take my blood out of my body and clean it before putting it back into my body. To do this needles will be inserted into my super vein and connect me to the machines with tubes. Therefore it was important for me to go through this surgery on Tuesday. I needed to fix my vein. But at the eleventh hour my surgery was stopped.
Why was my surgery stopped? Well first let me explain what my current number one goal is in life. My number one goal is to stay off dialysis for as long as I can. Dialysis is an invasive treatment that involves large needles, machines and hours and hours spent in a hospital bed on a weekly basis. Yes it is an amazing life saving process that many people successfully incorporate into their lives, however it also brings with it a lot of complications and a new ordinary. And personally I am not ready for that new ordinary. I want to try and keep living a normal life for as long as possible. On Tuesday at the eleventh hour I learnt that this goal was about to be destroyed.
I had done all the right things. I was up out of bed early and at the hospital by 7am, ready for my next round of surgery. I was anxious and I felt sick. But I was there, doing everything that my doctors had asked me to do. I was following instructions. I trusted that my doctors were competent and scheduling this surgery for me was just another needed step in my journey.
A few hours later I was laying on a rock hard operating table in a room that made me want to run and hide. I was in the operating theatre. I felt vulnerable. I felt scared. I was ice cold and shaking. I had masked strangers surrounding me. I was about to put my life in the hands of these masked strangers. I was trusting them to take a scalpel to my body. I was trusting them to fix me.
Before the final sedation was injected into my drip my surgeon wanted to do one last check that I understood what they were about to do. He started his spiel with saying that what we are doing today is important as I needed to continue with my dialysis treatment. Stop. Wait. What? Red flag! I am not on dialysis and I have no plans on being on dialysis any time soon. What is going on here? He has the wrong facts.
“Um what do you mean continue my dialysis treatment?”
“You are on dialysis aren’t you?”
“No”
“Oh, ok. I am sure you’ve been told that we are using dye today in this surgery.”
“No, but why is that important? What impact will the dye have on my body?”
“Well as you are now at 7% kidney function this surgery will destroy that 7% and you will be pushed onto dialysis straight away”
“What? Why am I only finding out about this now? I am laying on an operating table and you are telling me this now? Why would I choose to push myself onto dialysis? Nobody would ever choose that, I don’t choose that.”
“Your notes say that you are on dialysis”
As he leant down and showed me the notes tears starting burning my eyes. It was at that moment that I realized my world could have been turned upside down. It was in that moment that I realized if this ten second conversation hadn’t occurred I would have come out the other side of this surgery a dialysis patient. I would have come out the other side of this surgery with a new ordinary in which I would need to be hooked up to a machine every couple of days to stay alive. My nightmare would have become reality. I would be living on a machine. No choice. No going back. No days off. My life would be forever different. My life would revolve around hospital visits. My life would revolve around needles, veins and pain. To live I would need a machine. This is my sliding door moment.
A few days later I can now reflect back and be grateful for the life I currently lead. Yes I am ill however it could have been a lot worse. I could now be dependent on a machine to keep me alive. I do understand that the day will come when I need dialysis. I do understand that this new ordinary will eventually arrive. However, it doesn’t need to be now.
I can also reflect back on my recent experience and take a few learning’s. I learnt that I need to continue to be inquisitive and ask questions about what everyone is doing to my body. I own my body. It is the only one I have and it is my job to keep myself safe and to make informed decisions on what happens to me. I can’t outsource that job. Nobody is more concerned about my health and how I live my life than me. And nobody should be. I am responsible for the life I lead. I am responsible for what happens to my body and I take that responsibility seriously.
It was a very close escape. It scared me. But I also learnt a valuable lesson.
Trust my specialists that they are knowledgeable in their chosen profession and competent in what they do. But also continue to take responsibility for my own body and make sure that I am informed every step of the way on this journey.