I have heard many times that the test of a relationship isn’t when life is grand.  The real test of a relationship is when the chips are down.  The real test comes when we have to dig deep and find a path through the minefield of drama, trauma and the unexpected.

My life has turned into the unexpected.  I haven’t been given a guidebook on how to navigate through my current situation.  I don’t know what the best behaviour is.  I don’t know what the answers are to happily ever after.  I don’t know if I even believe in happily ever after.  All I know is that I want to live.  I don’t want to die and I want love in my life.  I want happiness in my life.

This is my second chance.  And it’s off to a bit if a rocky start.  I’m so conflicted.  I’m so worried about making the wrong decision.  But is my fear based on what was?  Is what I’ve known no longer relevant?  Do I let it all go and start fresh?  Or do I hang on and try for different?

Where is my map?  Where is my safety net?  My heart aches as this has been a lonely journey.  But I don’t want lonely anymore.  I want more.  I want life.  Am I too late?  Do I now need to accept whatever I can get?  Do I have the right to want more?  I should just be grateful to still be alive.  I should be grateful to still be breathing.  I should be grateful to be seeing blue skies and sunsets.  And I am.  But I want different.  I want laughter back.  I want more.

I feel lost today.  Yesterday I felt alive and energised.  I took five steps forward and three steps back.  This is such a confusing time.  Who am I?  Where am I?  I don’t want to wear the label of a sick person.  I don’t want care.  I want life and love.

Today has tired me.  My thoughts are tiring me.  Do you have endless thoughts?  I do.  I wish I could stop them or at least dull them at times.  But they are at full pace today.  They are relentless and exhausting me.  I don’t know what my answers are today.  I don’t know how to combat hard.