Monthly Archives: June 2016

Circus Show Day 181

Show Day

Thankyou for always welcoming me with open arms and a smile

Thankyou for letting me cry without question

Thankyou for the warmth of heart and comfort of food

Thankyou for loving me and ignoring me when I’m not at my best

Thankyou for being my comfy couch and cup of tea

Thankyou for still being at my side even when you don’t agree or understand

Thankyou for treating me as your child even though I am an adult

Thankyou for knowing behind my fake smile and bravado act I’m just broken and scared

Thankyou for being you – my Mum

Thankyou Mum from the bottom of my heart xxx

Circus Show Day 180

Show

Tonight is one of those nights.  It’s a night that makes tomorrow even harder.  It’s a night where nothing works and I have no answers or solutions.  It’s a night that makes me want to scream and rip my skin off.  It’s a night where I really don’t want to be me.

2am legs twitching.

3am body spasms.

What do I do?  How can I rest?  How can I make the darkness my friend again?

I crave for a solid night.  I crave for a peaceful night.

This is a nightmare but I am awake.

What was that noise?  Everything sounds loud.

I am hot.  I am cold.

Left.  Right. Front.  Back.  No that hurts.  Front again.

Pillows.  No pillows.  Throw rug.  No throw rug.

Every part of me is screaming.  Every part of me is moving.  Itching.  Angry.

My new norm.

Circus Show Day 179

Show Day

Eight months ago I was diagnosed with kidney failure.  I still remember the day like it was yesterday.  I remember hearing the words and watching the shake of the head.  I remember the awful sinking feeling as all hope left my body and fear engulfed every part of me.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t talk.

Even as I recall this memory I’m in tears.  I’m in tears because I now know what follows that diagnosis.  I have been living that diagnosis for the past eight months.  And it has been a crazy journey.  The heartache.  The confusion.  The loss.  I have faced situations that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  And I know that for me, my journey isn’t over.  I will be faced with many more situations that will require me to dig deep and not give up.  My journey on this new path has only just begun.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  All I know is that I will do my best to get through it.  I can’t promise I’ll always be the best version of myself.  I will struggle some days and I will let it get to me, even when I know I shouldn’t.  It is a hard daily battle.  But I’m trying and I thank you, my friends and family, for staying at my side even when I am hard to love.  I couldn’t do this without you and I admire and love you for your support and commitment.