Monthly Archives: May 2016

Circus Show Day 175

Show, Show Day

I’ve always been a bit of an over thinker.  I find it very difficult to stop the analysis despite my best efforts to live in the now and be present.  I however don’t consider my over thinking tendencies to be the same as worrying.   I’m not paralysed to action from my over active mind but I do admit to there being a fine line between over thinking and worrying.

My over thinking usually revolves around conversations.  I’ll either go back over a recent conversation and pull it apart or I’ll create a future conversation based on a present situation.

The stupid thing is I know that my over thinking of conversations doesn’t do me any good.  The usual feelings that resolve from my active thinking is guilt and disappointment.  I usually feel guilty for saying something that might have impacted someone else or I feel disappointed in myself for not expressing myself better during the conversation.  This usually then leads me to creating a fictional future conversation in my head where I can rectify the failure.

This sounds a bit nuts doesn’t it.   Even as I’m writing this and sharing my inner mind craziness I’m actually thinking “I’m not really expressing my thoughts very well in this piece of writing.  This is a poor blog post”

Hmm so is this all sounding like over thinking or am I really leaning more towards being a worrier?  And what has triggered this analysis of my over thinking?  Well the answer to my second question is that I started to read a new book today and in the opening chapter there was a statement that hit a chord with me.  The author said that we spend a lot of time worrying about little things in life that won’t come to fruition or they will actually pass us by and we will be fine.   The hyped up worry won’t impact us nearly as much as our imagination has led us to believe.  He carries on to say that it is actually the surprises in life that hit us on a normal Tuesday afternoon that will create the most chaos.  It is the stuff in life that side swipes us without any notice that will hurt and knock us to our knees.

I read this and immediately connected to his words of wisdom.  I have personally experienced such a freak unexpected strike in life.  I have also recently been a bystander as my Mum and a close friend have both been hit with a surprising force that has left them fighting for their lives.

As I analyse the words in my new book I think the message that is being conveyed is why let ourselves be consumed and stressed about day to day issues?  It is just stuff that we need to work through.  That is what living life is all about.  We are continually faced with situations and problems that we must work through in this maze of life.   Growing and learning at each dead end and turn.  For one day we might just get knocked down and we will need everything that we have to get back up and keep moving.

I know I’ve been knocked down, more than once.  But I’m doing my best to get back up.  I’m not there yet but I’m also not giving up.  I need to try to be more present and not over think, but I know my heart is in the right place.

Thankyou Mum and you my dearest friend for inspiring me.  You are such amazing women and inspirations in my journey.

 

Circus Show Day 174

Show Day

Friday has once again become my day of choice.  For a while there I was resenting Friday as it symobolised the beginning of the weekend and my weekends are no longer for enjoyment.  My weekend profile has gone from happy chaos to simple quiet.  I have swapped big nights out for couch time and pyjamas.  My friends are Netflix, Stan and Presto.  My favourite food option is popcorn with a side of maltesers.

I resented Friday because to me it represented a bad change in my life.  It represented how sick I had become.  It represented two days of recovering from a five day week.  But now I have embraced this change and Friday’s are once again on my enjoyment list.  This is mainly due to my change in attitude.  Instead of resenting my new quieter lifestyle I am doing my best to embrace it.  I have already spent half of my life going out, drinking, eating and socializing.  So the way I now look at it is that this is a new chapter in my life.  I am embracing my less active ways and I am developing a more calmer, a more grounded me.  And I am starting to like it.

So hello Friday, I’m glad you are here.  I’m looking forward to a relaxing and therapeutic weekend ahead of me.

Happy Friday!

Circus Show Day 173

Show Day

Cry alone.  Cry in the shower.  8pm.

Feet cramps. Stomach pain. Lay awake. 12am.

Head is racing.  Restless legs. Pace the loungeroom.  2am.

Feel sleepy.  Take me to my happy place.  4am.

Everything hurts.  Eyes won’t open.  6am.

Work.  Smile.  Action.  8am.

Want to scratch my eyeballs out.  Nice to see you.  10am.

No salt.  Where have my ankles gone?  12pm.

Back burning.  Can I sleep standing up?  Yes I have a question.  2pm.

Brain fog.  Raspberries and red frogs.  Are we there yet?  4pm.

Strangers.  One foot in front of the other.  Couch.  6pm.

Cry alone.  Cry in the shower.  8pm.

Circus Show Day 172

Show Day

I’m writing a living will.

I’ve come to the realization that there are some things I don’t want to leave to chance.  And I’ve also come to realisation that people are unpredictable when it comes to being in the moment.  They might listen and say all the right things in discussions however when the moment hits and they are pressured to make life or death decisions there is a high chance that they’ll crumble and go off script.

I understand that letting a loved one go is difficult and that there is always that promise of hope that everyone wants to cling on to.  But I’ve decided that if I crash and burn and my kidneys one day take me down, all the way down, I know I don’t want to be clinging on to an existence through a machine.  I know I don’t want to be nothing but tubes and hope.  I don’t want to be a machine living shell.  I don’t want to be resuscitated. So I thought I better write it down.

So this week I’m writing my living will.  Not something I had on my to do list but something I think is necessary.

Circus Show Day 169

Show Day

TODAY:  “Hey Fee, you look great!  So good to see you are now all well and over that kidney thing”

LAST NIGHT:  “Hey Fee, you ok? ”

“I can’t straighten my foot from all the cramping.  I’m exhausted and my back pain feels as though I have ten knives constantly stabbing me.”

Circus Show Day 167

Show Day

I am absolutely shattered!  I don’t even know how I will make my journey home.  I am exhausted in every way.  Physically, mentally and emotionally.  I know this is my new norm if I am going to continue working full time, but I am still surprised by it.  I am still surprised at the uncontrollable urge to just close my heavy eyes and sleep.  My option of fighting through and finding energy is gone.  I don’t have the ability to dig deep and find one last scrap of energy to keep me going.  I am now living on that last scrap.  That last scrap is my full energy source.

I do struggle with my new norm.  I have gone from the energizer bunny to the tortoise.  I don’t like being the tortoise.

I met up with a work colleague the other day who has also been through a life changing experience and who also was a natural energizer bunny before their accident.  In his experience he went from hectic everything in life to slow paced everything in life.  When discussing the challenge of coming to terms with a new norm he pointed out a positive that I had missed.  He asked me if I now find myself more considered.   In answering his question it made me realize that yes I do believe I am more considered.  I think my brain is less cluttered.  I believe my mind is less  chaotic as I am not rushing around from here to there and with that comes the benefit of clarity.

So as much as I say I don’t really like my new norm lifestyle I need to keep reminding myself to search for  the silver lining.