Tomorrow is my birthday.

Normally I would never admit to turning another year older let alone announce it.  But as it hasn’t exactly been a normal type of year I thought I should throw my self inflicted tradition to the wind and actually celebrate the annual event.

For about the past ten years I have refused to celebrate my birthday or talk of the associated number of age.  This denial of parties and cake is because I have loathed getting older.  I thought by ignoring and not throwing festivities for the day that I was born I would somehow prevent the onset of middle age and all the fears associated with the realisation that I am no longer in my younger years.  The fear of grey hairs and sickness.  The fear of becoming the older lady in the office who is viewed as  irrelevant and out of touch.  The fear of dying alone, still with so much to do.

Obviously throughout these non-birthday years I’ve had family and a couple of close friends who just happen to do nice things for me and treat me special on a particular day in January.  My non-birthday day is usually very small and quiet and I’ve enjoyed it like that.  Thank you my friends and family for indulging me and supporting my crazy ways!

But this year I realised my pathetic hang up on age is unimportant.  I’ve realised that unless you are a kid or teenager, birthdays aren’t about the number.  Birthdays are about celebrating another year of life.  Another year of successes and failures.  Another year of friendships and love.  Another year of experiences and moments.  Another year of building memories and stories to share for years to come.   And as in my life another year of learning from chaos and challenges.

So this year I’ve decided let’s celebrate.  And I don’t mean with a big party or cake (although I am known for enjoying a slice or two of cake when the opportunity arises). I mean let’s celebrate by me acknowledging the day and taking the time to look back on the year I’ve had.  I’m not going to ignore the past year by ignoring my birthday.  I’m going to embrace it.  I’m going to reflect on the year that has been and then look forward to the year ahead.

Above all else I am going to celebrate that I’m still alive and doing well.  I am going to celebrate what I’ve been fighting so hard to keep.  My life.

Chase my dreams.  That is a promise I have made to myself.  That is a promise I made to twenty sixteen.

As far back as I can remember I have dreamed of writing.  As far back as I remember I have dreamed of being a writer.  To put pen paper.  To elegantly connect words in an effort to describe a feeling, a thought, a moment.  To share that feeling, thought or moment and to evoke a feeling, thought or memory in others.  To connect through words.  To connect through story telling.  That has been my dream.

Today I enrolled in my first writing course.

Today I let go of fear and I am chasing my dream.

First assignment due Sunday.

I wanted to be gracious and elegant in my goodbye.  I wanted to be thankful for learning and Zen like in my farewell.  I wanted to put on a smile and acknowledge only the positive.

But I couldn’t.  I didn’t.

The truth is I am glad you are gone.  I am glad you are over and in the past.  I am glad you shall never return.  I am glad your days, your weeks and your months will never be repeated.  I am glad you are yesterday.

You were hard.  The hardest I’ve ever experienced.  You came out of nowhere and brought me to my knees.  Blow by blow you broke me.  You broke me physically and mentally.  You broke me and while I was down you kicked me into darkness.  A darkness I never knew existed.  A darkness that no word could possibly describe.  A darkness I never want to fall into again.

Despite everything you threw at me I am still here.  I crawled.  I clawed.  I stumbled.  And eventually I climbed out of the rabbit hole.  You tried your best.  Your best tested me.  Your best challenged me.  And your best almost won.

Twenty fifteen you broke me but you didn’t end me.

Twenty fifteen you brought me to my knees but I am now walking again.

Twenty fifteen you left scars but they are fading.

Good bye twenty fifteen the destruction you leave behind is memorable and will be felt for years to come.

Goodbye twenty fifteen you will remain etched in my mind and in my nightmares.

Goodbye twenty fifteen you changed me forever and in some ways I’ll admit have been for the best.

It started with a toothache which swiftly moved into a full head and face ache.  Within 24 hours my gums were throbbing and the right side of my face had swelled.   I felt as though my gums were on fire and my head was going to explode.  It was New Years Eve.

Diagnosis an abscess.

An abscess on my upper right gum the size of a twenty cent coin.  It had blistered like a boil and was most likely caused by an infection of some sort in my mouth.  Apparently I am prone to infections as my immune system is low.  Fantastic!  Who gets an abscess on New Years Eve?  But in a strange way it was also a fitting send off for 2015.  A big unexpected painful sore full of gross fluid threatening to pop at any minute.  Yep that pretty much summarises my 2015.

So today I woke up, the first day of 2016, with a strange taste in my mouth.  I woke up on the first day of the new year that promised better.  A promise of a year that will bring strength and transition.  A promise of a year that will bring goodness and fulfilment of hope.  I woke up on this morning with an exploded abscess.  I woke up on this morning, the first day of the new year, with a mouth full of pus.

Good morning 2016.   And thank you 2015 for the foul tasting liquid rolling across my tongue.  Your final hooray.  Your final gift.

Farewell 2015.  I learnt a lot from you and you are a year that will be forever etched in my mind and heart.

Hello 2016.  We have had a bit of a rocky start but I just know we are going to do great things together.