Ho hum off to hospital I go…

Today’s quote:

At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening.

Two more days and I’ll feel your hold on me again.

Two more days and I’ll be at your mercy.

I’m scared.

I’m tired.

I have to believe I’ll be ok.

I have to believe I’m braver than I think.

I have to believe I can do this.

Three more days and back to the hospital I go.

Three more days and my nightmares become reality.

“Think positive”.  “The mind is powerful”.  “It’s all in the mind”.

We have all heard the quotes and sayings about what the mind can do.  And over the years I have been interested in this topic.  I have not gone down the path of meditation or downward dogs but I do enjoy reading books and blogs about how we can enhance our thinking to improve our interactions, behaviours and relationships in life.

I admit that last year I spent some time in a dark place.  After my surgeries and when I started my dialysis I hit my darkest moments in my kidney journey.  I spiralled down a rabbit hole and I struggled on a daily basis.  I struggled to get out of bed.  I struggled to shower and brush my hair.  I struggled to last a full day of work.  At one point I isolated myself and I didn’t speak to anyone.  I didn’t leave my apartment.  I was suffering physically and mentally and it was the lowest point in my life.

Today I am in a different space.  I’m back at work full time.  I’m interacting on a daily basis with friends, family and work colleagues.  I’m laughing.  I’m smiling.  I’m enjoying being alive.  But I’m also starting to realise just how much of an impact my mental health has on my physical health.

For the past few weeks I haven’t been going to hospital.  For the past few weeks I have been free from visiting the building that represents pain and the death of dreams.   And I have felt light and more alive than I have done in months.  A friend told me the other day that I looked like I had my “sparkle” back, which touched my heart.  And I felt that she was right.  I did feel a bounce in my step.  But today there is a change.  My feet feel like lead and my shoulders are hunched.  My cramps are back and I’m not sleeping.  My skin itches and my back hurts.  My bounce has gone.  My sparkle has disappeared.

Why?  Why such a change?  Is it my mind?  Is my mental state impacting my physical state.

In four more days I have my next renal specialist appointment at the hospital.  In four more days I will sit in the green chair and watch as I’m poked and pricked.  In four more days I will wear a blue gown with no back.  In four more days I will try and lay still while breathing through the pain and cold shocks.  In four more days the reality of my nightmare returns.  This makes me anxious.  This plays on my mind.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I don’t want to be sick.

So today I wonder have my symptoms really returned or is it because I’m getting anxious and emotional about going back to hospital?  Is it because my mind is keeping me up at night that my body is not resting and therefore my symptoms are hitting me hard again?  Is it a  mental vs physical cycle that I find myself stuck in?

Physically I’m doing everything I can to stay alive.  I’m injecting and swallowing medication and exercising on a daily basis.  For my mental state I’m back at work.  I’m interacting daily with friends, family and work colleagues.  I’m writing my blog and I’m enjoying my weekends.  But how do I overcome my anxiety?  How do I overcome my dread of going to the building of needles and sick people?  How do I get my mind to stop racing and remembering the trauma of past?  How do I get my mind to work with me and not against me?

Do I have the ability to overcome my fear?

Does my mind have the power to help me physically and mentally?

Four more days and I’m back in hospital.  My freedom is over.  My nightmare returns.

You judge me on half truths.

You advise me without knowledge.

You repeats words unfairly said.

You hurt me.

I try to ignore without attitude.

I try to explain without an audience.

I try to block the unnecessary pain.

Why do you hurt me?  Can’t you see my healing wounds.  Can’t you see I have no strength to fight back?  Can’t you see I’m not who you think I am.

It hurts.

I opened my note book this morning and I found this quote:

Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

Unconditional love is it real?

Today I had lunch with a friend who I adore for many reasons.  I adore her for her courage, honesty and the way she loves her husband.  That last bit might sound a bit strange, but I truly do admire her for the way she openly expresses her love for her husband of two years and their relationship.  They are each other’s biggest cheerleader and they are a team navigating through the ups and downs of life.  Every time I speak with her I get inspired about life and love.  All I need is half an hour with my friend and I once again believe in happily ever after and that love might actually have a chance of conquering all.

In my friends case she has found her prince charming and they are building their happily ever after.  They are a couple that I would put money on to be able to weather the greatest of storms.  Their love seems to have no limits.  Their love seems to have no boundaries.  I look up to my friend and her marriage in awe as isn’t that what we are all searching for in life?  Unconditional love? And is that what my friend has found?

Unconditional love is love without conditions.  It is no matter what is thrown at it, whether it be a life changing decision, an argument or a strong belief, the amount of love that remains between the bond is seen as unchanging.  It’s unbreakable.

I have no doubt unconditional love  is alive and real between family members, in particular parents with their children.  But what about two lovers?  What about husband and wife?  What about friends?  Can this type of bond exist between two adults in a relationship?

Deep down I am a bit of a hopeless romantic.  I have overdosed in life on romantic movies and can recite every word from start to finish of Dirty Dancing and Love Actually.  My first search on Netflix is always romantic comedies and I could happily spend my afternoons watching reruns of Gossip Girl.  My guilty pleasure.  These movies and TV Shows all have the big romances and friendships that find a way in the end. No matter what is thrown at them they find a way to overcome it and ride off happily into the sunset together.  But that is fiction.  It’s all made up for our entertainment.  Today I question my belief in unconditional love and whether I have the right to expect such love in my life.

Being thrown a curve ball like organ failure is life changing.  And not only for me, but also for the people around me.  It’s tough.  Life has changed and it will never go back to what it was.  I will never go back to what I was.  The bonds I have are being tested by this big change.  I can feel them being pushed and stretched by my new ordinary.  They are being challenged.  And the big question is will these existing bonds survive?  Are they made out of unconditional love or will they break and crumble under the pressure?

I hope they survive…. only time will tell.

Not one, but two.  That is how many lumps appeared overnight on my left hand.  The lumps are the size of a large pea and they’re hard and rather sore when pressed.  I have one on the bottom of my middle finger and one in the centre of my palm.

Two months ago I probably would have noticed the lumps, shrugged my shoulders and then just waited it out for them to disappear and for my hand go back to normal.  But these days my reaction to unexpected lumps growing in my hand is rather different.

I panicked.

Upon noticing the lumps I thought “blood clot from my surgery, I’m going to die”.  So I quickly turned to my work colleague sitting next to me and by thrusting my hand into his face I forced him to touch my unexplained lumps.  Being the ever supportive guy he is, he carefully pressed my strange bits of raised skin and immediately recommended I ring someone.  Someone in the medical field.  I did.

After ten minutes on the phone with a renal nurse I was assured it was nothing to worry about.  She believed that it wasn’t directly associated with my super artery in my left arm and there was no need to go to the hospital as I definitely wasn’t go to die.  Her response was along the lines of  “No Fee, you won’t die today”.  Phew that was a relief.  Panic over. I’m going to live another day.

My diagnosis was perhaps a nerve issue that  had been brought on by my recent surgery on my veins.  The recommendation was to go to my GP for a check up and scans.

On one hand it is good that I am being more attentive to my health and not leaving it to the last minute or chance like I use to.  But on the other hand how much concern is too much?  A lump grows on my hand and I immediately think about whether my Will is up to date and which song I want played at my funeral.  I don’t want to become a hypochondriac but I also need to be more aware of my health and especially protect my veins as they are now my lifeline.  I need to find a balance.

Apart from finding a balance to my healthcare I am also hoping my body will now give me a bit of a break.  I mean honestly.  First kidney failure, then a mouth abscess and now some strange hand lumps.  What’s next?

Actually on second thought I think I’d rather not know……

What a day!  Thank you for the lovely messages, phone calls and generous gifts.  And a big thank you to my birthday twin for sharing your afternoon with me and celebrating together.  It was very special and I am already looking forward to our next birthday.

But most of all thank you life.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure if I would be alive to celebrate my next birthday.  So just being here is a gift.  One that I am very grateful for.