To all the girls who no longer believe in fairy tales or happy endings.  You are the  writer of this story.  Chin-up and straighten your crown, you’re the queen of this kingdom and only you know how to rule it.

B Devine

Be thankful for what you have.  Your life no matter how bad you think it is, is someone else’s fairytale.

My Dad once told me that not matter what he would always love me and he would always be there for me supporting me through anything as long as I didn’t lie or hurt anyone.  But if I lied and if my actions had the intent of hurting someone then he would still love me but he wouldn’t support me.

Looking back over my adult life I believe I have carried the approach my Dad had with me into my own personal life and relationships.  I try my hardest to be the friend that will be by your side no matter what.  I might not always agree with your actions or decisions but I will support you and I will be there no questions asked to pick up the pieces if needed.  I believe it is your life to live and nobody knows what it is like to walk in your shoes.  My job as a friend is to be your support through thick and thin, ups and downs.

However, this hasn’t always worked out in return for me.  Especially over the past eight months I have learnt a lot about relationships.  I have learnt that I can’t be as open or honest as I would like to be with all my friends.  Some friends can deal with an honest answer when they ask “how are you?” but others need you to put on a smile and say “yeah good”.

So reflecting back on what my Dad once told me I think some people around me probably still love me as a friend, but they don’t know how to support me through this.  Or they need to see me progress and get better, my roller coaster journey might just be a bit too much to handle.  And I understand.

Being ill is my burden to carry.  And I am carrying it the best I can.

Friday happy to see you.

Crawling out of the rabbit hole one day at a time.

Good week.

Feeling positive.

Exhausted but not defeated.

Sleep has been a friend.

Happy Friday!

Today is a good day.

I am working.

I have a purpose.

I am participating.

I have value.

I am interacting.

I have goals.

I am laughing.

Today is a good day.

Thankyou for always welcoming me with open arms and a smile

Thankyou for letting me cry without question

Thankyou for the warmth of heart and comfort of food

Thankyou for loving me and ignoring me when I’m not at my best

Thankyou for being my comfy couch and cup of tea

Thankyou for still being at my side even when you don’t agree or understand

Thankyou for treating me as your child even though I am an adult

Thankyou for knowing behind my fake smile and bravado act I’m just broken and scared

Thankyou for being you – my Mum

Thankyou Mum from the bottom of my heart xxx

Eight months ago I was diagnosed with kidney failure.  I still remember the day like it was yesterday.  I remember hearing the words and watching the shake of the head.  I remember the awful sinking feeling as all hope left my body and fear engulfed every part of me.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t talk.

Even as I recall this memory I’m in tears.  I’m in tears because I now know what follows that diagnosis.  I have been living that diagnosis for the past eight months.  And it has been a crazy journey.  The heartache.  The confusion.  The loss.  I have faced situations that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  And I know that for me, my journey isn’t over.  I will be faced with many more situations that will require me to dig deep and not give up.  My journey on this new path has only just begun.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  All I know is that I will do my best to get through it.  I can’t promise I’ll always be the best version of myself.  I will struggle some days and I will let it get to me, even when I know I shouldn’t.  It is a hard daily battle.  But I’m trying and I thank you, my friends and family, for staying at my side even when I am hard to love.  I couldn’t do this without you and I admire and love you for your support and commitment.

Toes twitching.  Legs racing.

Tonight better than last.  But not best.

Front.  Side.  Back.

Night not my friend.  Tears are warm.  Eyes sting.

Tomorrow will hurt.

Back. Side.  Front.

No matter what your circumstances are, if you can imagine something better for yourself, you can create it.

I am strong because I’ve been weak.

I am fearless because I’ve been afraid.

I am wise because I’ve been foolish.