This week I was shown what friendship is all about.

From the very start of this journey two of my work colleagues came forward and gave me unconditional support and have been there through all my ups and downs.  I now consider them my closest friends and I couldn’t have gotten through this without them.

On Wednesday these same two friends organised a morning tea in my honour at work.  The purpose of the morning tea was to raise awareness for kidney disease.  The turnout, the donations, the food baked, people who travelled and the engagement from my peers was overwhelming.  I’ve never experienced so much generosity and kindness and its hard to describe in words how it made me feel.  All I know is that for a long time I haven’t felt so much love, care and that my life might actually have some meaning.

Obviously I am not scared to be open and honest about my raw feelings, and I’ve already admitted in my recent posts that I’ve been struggling lately.  I have been feeling flat and defeated.  It’s been nearly 12 months since my diagnosis and its been a constant battle.  It’s been getting to me.  I’m tired and I started to question what the point was in fighting every day to stay alive?  It started to feel like a chore without any benefits.  I just couldn’t see a future for myself.  And it started to show.  The cracks were definitely being exposed to all around me.

Since my week away I have been feeling in a better head space but this week’s morning tea really clinched it for me.  Looking around the room at the morning tea and seeing all the people who came in support of the cause and me touched my heart.  It inspired me to keep going.  I now have a new view of my future and I now believe in what’s possible.  It’s a good feeling and I have you to thank for it.  Jess and Delara you are my saviours and my heroes.  Twelve months ago you were my work colleagues.  Now you are my biggest cheer leaders and my dearest friends.  You make me smile.  You bring laughter and hope into my grey world and I am forever grateful for the encouragement you constantly show.

THANKYOU for being you and for caring about me.  I feel very lucky to call you my friends.

Xxxxx

Hello Fee.

Are you back?

Are you staying?

Do you want to stay?

Maybe you can.

Maybe you are stronger than you think.

Maybe it was just a dark cloud that has now lifted.

Yes you are tired.

Yes this is hard.

But now you have a purpose.

Now you know why you need to keep fighting.

Hello Fee, welcome back.

I did it.  I went from one side of the country to the other and I feel good.  It was once such a simple thing for me to do.  Travel.  I didn’t even use to think twice about booking a flight and getting on a plane for work or for fun.  However, for the past eleven months, since my diagnosis, I haven’t been able to travel.

My greatest love in life is venturing into the unknown.  I love experiencing new cultures.  I love discovering new little places in this big world that we live in.  I love getting lost in new places that don’t know me and I don’t know it.  I love escaping into a world where I am just a visitor enjoying all the best bits.

And over the past eleven months one of my biggest fears would be that I would never be able to escape again. The thought of not being able to say goodbye to my day to day routine.  The thought that I wouldn’t be able to experience new things, not be able to meet new people and learn about how they live.  The thought of this is it, no more travel, no more escaping hit me hard.  But now I know that I can travel.  Ok it was only to the other side of Australia, but I will take whatever I can get.

Fingers and toes crossed I seem to have come home in one piece and I don’t feel ill.  I feel the opposite.  I feel invigorated and inspired.  I feel passionate again about why I am fighting to stay alive.  I feel more like me than I have done in a long time.

Who knew that a couple of days away would be so beneficial.

More small breaks are needed!  Where to next?

Back to the west side.

Back to reality.

Back to hospital today.

I feel invigorated and alive!  Who knew it would take a trip to Wollongong to help me feel like me again.

Ill be the first to admit that recently I haven’t been doing great.  Since my latest stint in hospital I have struggled to bounce back.  I have felt over whelmed by my illness and confused by my future path.  The reality of dialysis and the changes that I would need to undertake in my life hit home hard.  I didn’t like what I saw in my new ordinary and I didn’t want my life to progress.

Over the past two days I’ve travelled from one side of the country to the other.  This is the first time I’ve been on a trip since my diagnosis.  I was a bit anxious about going to the other side of Australia.  How would flying impact me?  What if I fell ill while away? But my worrying was wasted energy.  Surprisingly I felt great!  I’m not sure if it was the change of scenery or the new people I met but somehow I felt lighter.  I felt more like my old self than I have in a long time.

This has been an awesome trip.

Thank you Brad for being the boss you are and a great travel companion.

Thank you Illawarra Coal for making me feel so welcome and for helping me realise that my future doesn’t have to be grim.

I have a now to enjoy and I am going to focus on doing just that.

Its been a good day! A milestone day.

Today I flew across the country.  This morning I was in Perth.  Tonight I’m in Wollongong.

I didn’t know when I’d be able to travel again.  Or if I’d cope.  But I feel great!

Thanks Brad for bringing me along.

Its been a good day.

Decision time.  Stay awake or keep trying?

I’ve been in bed for nearly six hours and there isn’t enough lavender or sheep in the world to send me off to the land of nod.  I am beyond help.  So my question is do I just accept that tonight there will be no sleeping and just stay awake or do I keep trying and hope to scrape in a couple of hours?

What a very strange day.

I am not sure if I am able to put my experience into words, just yet.

Stay tuned as a very interesting turn has occurred…..

This is it.  The dreaded drive.  I know what’s at the end.  And I’m scared.

More needles.  More masked strangers.  More cuts.  More stitches.

I’ll fake smile my way through.  I’ll swallow the burning tears.

You’ll believe that I’m strong.  You’ll believe that I bounced back without effort.

I’ll know the truth.  I’ll feel the pain.

Here we go again.  Another step in my journey…

Tomorrow I am back.

Back to the white needle palace.

Back to the place where lives are saved and dreams die.

Back to the place where fear is eaten for breakfast and demons are fought at night.

Back to the place where reality has no colour.

Back to the place where I can’t hide or deny.

I’ll be there 7am ready for the scalpel.  Ready for my next surgery.

Be gentle please.  My words are strong but my mind and body are weak.

Tomorrow I go back.