Unconditional love is it real?

Today I had lunch with a friend who I adore for many reasons.  I adore her for her courage, honesty and the way she loves her husband.  That last bit might sound a bit strange, but I truly do admire her for the way she openly expresses her love for her husband of two years and their relationship.  They are each other’s biggest cheerleader and they are a team navigating through the ups and downs of life.  Every time I speak with her I get inspired about life and love.  All I need is half an hour with my friend and I once again believe in happily ever after and that love might actually have a chance of conquering all.

In my friends case she has found her prince charming and they are building their happily ever after.  They are a couple that I would put money on to be able to weather the greatest of storms.  Their love seems to have no limits.  Their love seems to have no boundaries.  I look up to my friend and her marriage in awe as isn’t that what we are all searching for in life?  Unconditional love? And is that what my friend has found?

Unconditional love is love without conditions.  It is no matter what is thrown at it, whether it be a life changing decision, an argument or a strong belief, the amount of love that remains between the bond is seen as unchanging.  It’s unbreakable.

I have no doubt unconditional love  is alive and real between family members, in particular parents with their children.  But what about two lovers?  What about husband and wife?  What about friends?  Can this type of bond exist between two adults in a relationship?

Deep down I am a bit of a hopeless romantic.  I have overdosed in life on romantic movies and can recite every word from start to finish of Dirty Dancing and Love Actually.  My first search on Netflix is always romantic comedies and I could happily spend my afternoons watching reruns of Gossip Girl.  My guilty pleasure.  These movies and TV Shows all have the big romances and friendships that find a way in the end. No matter what is thrown at them they find a way to overcome it and ride off happily into the sunset together.  But that is fiction.  It’s all made up for our entertainment.  Today I question my belief in unconditional love and whether I have the right to expect such love in my life.

Being thrown a curve ball like organ failure is life changing.  And not only for me, but also for the people around me.  It’s tough.  Life has changed and it will never go back to what it was.  I will never go back to what I was.  The bonds I have are being tested by this big change.  I can feel them being pushed and stretched by my new ordinary.  They are being challenged.  And the big question is will these existing bonds survive?  Are they made out of unconditional love or will they break and crumble under the pressure?

I hope they survive…. only time will tell.

Not one, but two.  That is how many lumps appeared overnight on my left hand.  The lumps are the size of a large pea and they’re hard and rather sore when pressed.  I have one on the bottom of my middle finger and one in the centre of my palm.

Two months ago I probably would have noticed the lumps, shrugged my shoulders and then just waited it out for them to disappear and for my hand go back to normal.  But these days my reaction to unexpected lumps growing in my hand is rather different.

I panicked.

Upon noticing the lumps I thought “blood clot from my surgery, I’m going to die”.  So I quickly turned to my work colleague sitting next to me and by thrusting my hand into his face I forced him to touch my unexplained lumps.  Being the ever supportive guy he is, he carefully pressed my strange bits of raised skin and immediately recommended I ring someone.  Someone in the medical field.  I did.

After ten minutes on the phone with a renal nurse I was assured it was nothing to worry about.  She believed that it wasn’t directly associated with my super artery in my left arm and there was no need to go to the hospital as I definitely wasn’t go to die.  Her response was along the lines of  “No Fee, you won’t die today”.  Phew that was a relief.  Panic over. I’m going to live another day.

My diagnosis was perhaps a nerve issue that  had been brought on by my recent surgery on my veins.  The recommendation was to go to my GP for a check up and scans.

On one hand it is good that I am being more attentive to my health and not leaving it to the last minute or chance like I use to.  But on the other hand how much concern is too much?  A lump grows on my hand and I immediately think about whether my Will is up to date and which song I want played at my funeral.  I don’t want to become a hypochondriac but I also need to be more aware of my health and especially protect my veins as they are now my lifeline.  I need to find a balance.

Apart from finding a balance to my healthcare I am also hoping my body will now give me a bit of a break.  I mean honestly.  First kidney failure, then a mouth abscess and now some strange hand lumps.  What’s next?

Actually on second thought I think I’d rather not know……

What a day!  Thank you for the lovely messages, phone calls and generous gifts.  And a big thank you to my birthday twin for sharing your afternoon with me and celebrating together.  It was very special and I am already looking forward to our next birthday.

But most of all thank you life.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure if I would be alive to celebrate my next birthday.  So just being here is a gift.  One that I am very grateful for.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Normally I would never admit to turning another year older let alone announce it.  But as it hasn’t exactly been a normal type of year I thought I should throw my self inflicted tradition to the wind and actually celebrate the annual event.

For about the past ten years I have refused to celebrate my birthday or talk of the associated number of age.  This denial of parties and cake is because I have loathed getting older.  I thought by ignoring and not throwing festivities for the day that I was born I would somehow prevent the onset of middle age and all the fears associated with the realisation that I am no longer in my younger years.  The fear of grey hairs and sickness.  The fear of becoming the older lady in the office who is viewed as  irrelevant and out of touch.  The fear of dying alone, still with so much to do.

Obviously throughout these non-birthday years I’ve had family and a couple of close friends who just happen to do nice things for me and treat me special on a particular day in January.  My non-birthday day is usually very small and quiet and I’ve enjoyed it like that.  Thank you my friends and family for indulging me and supporting my crazy ways!

But this year I realised my pathetic hang up on age is unimportant.  I’ve realised that unless you are a kid or teenager, birthdays aren’t about the number.  Birthdays are about celebrating another year of life.  Another year of successes and failures.  Another year of friendships and love.  Another year of experiences and moments.  Another year of building memories and stories to share for years to come.   And as in my life another year of learning from chaos and challenges.

So this year I’ve decided let’s celebrate.  And I don’t mean with a big party or cake (although I am known for enjoying a slice or two of cake when the opportunity arises). I mean let’s celebrate by me acknowledging the day and taking the time to look back on the year I’ve had.  I’m not going to ignore the past year by ignoring my birthday.  I’m going to embrace it.  I’m going to reflect on the year that has been and then look forward to the year ahead.

Above all else I am going to celebrate that I’m still alive and doing well.  I am going to celebrate what I’ve been fighting so hard to keep.  My life.

Chase my dreams.  That is a promise I have made to myself.  That is a promise I made to twenty sixteen.

As far back as I can remember I have dreamed of writing.  As far back as I remember I have dreamed of being a writer.  To put pen paper.  To elegantly connect words in an effort to describe a feeling, a thought, a moment.  To share that feeling, thought or moment and to evoke a feeling, thought or memory in others.  To connect through words.  To connect through story telling.  That has been my dream.

Today I enrolled in my first writing course.

Today I let go of fear and I am chasing my dream.

First assignment due Sunday.

I wanted to be gracious and elegant in my goodbye.  I wanted to be thankful for learning and Zen like in my farewell.  I wanted to put on a smile and acknowledge only the positive.

But I couldn’t.  I didn’t.

The truth is I am glad you are gone.  I am glad you are over and in the past.  I am glad you shall never return.  I am glad your days, your weeks and your months will never be repeated.  I am glad you are yesterday.

You were hard.  The hardest I’ve ever experienced.  You came out of nowhere and brought me to my knees.  Blow by blow you broke me.  You broke me physically and mentally.  You broke me and while I was down you kicked me into darkness.  A darkness I never knew existed.  A darkness that no word could possibly describe.  A darkness I never want to fall into again.

Despite everything you threw at me I am still here.  I crawled.  I clawed.  I stumbled.  And eventually I climbed out of the rabbit hole.  You tried your best.  Your best tested me.  Your best challenged me.  And your best almost won.

Twenty fifteen you broke me but you didn’t end me.

Twenty fifteen you brought me to my knees but I am now walking again.

Twenty fifteen you left scars but they are fading.

Good bye twenty fifteen the destruction you leave behind is memorable and will be felt for years to come.

Goodbye twenty fifteen you will remain etched in my mind and in my nightmares.

Goodbye twenty fifteen you changed me forever and in some ways I’ll admit have been for the best.

It started with a toothache which swiftly moved into a full head and face ache.  Within 24 hours my gums were throbbing and the right side of my face had swelled.   I felt as though my gums were on fire and my head was going to explode.  It was New Years Eve.

Diagnosis an abscess.

An abscess on my upper right gum the size of a twenty cent coin.  It had blistered like a boil and was most likely caused by an infection of some sort in my mouth.  Apparently I am prone to infections as my immune system is low.  Fantastic!  Who gets an abscess on New Years Eve?  But in a strange way it was also a fitting send off for 2015.  A big unexpected painful sore full of gross fluid threatening to pop at any minute.  Yep that pretty much summarises my 2015.

So today I woke up, the first day of 2016, with a strange taste in my mouth.  I woke up on the first day of the new year that promised better.  A promise of a year that will bring strength and transition.  A promise of a year that will bring goodness and fulfilment of hope.  I woke up on this morning with an exploded abscess.  I woke up on this morning, the first day of the new year, with a mouth full of pus.

Good morning 2016.   And thank you 2015 for the foul tasting liquid rolling across my tongue.  Your final hooray.  Your final gift.

Farewell 2015.  I learnt a lot from you and you are a year that will be forever etched in my mind and heart.

Hello 2016.  We have had a bit of a rocky start but I just know we are going to do great things together.

To be more present.  That is my 2016 new year resolution.

I’ve realised that there are two ways that I can reflect back on the past couples of months.  I can either label it as the worst months of my life and wear the scars on my sleeve.  Or I can accept it for what it is and find a way to create goodness for me and the people around me.  I choose the latter.

I am determine about finding ways to use my learnings from my recent experience to help others.  At the moment I’m not quite sure how I’ll go about doing it but I just know in my heart I’ll make it happen.  Lemonade will be made in 2016.  For now I believe I can be a better person, a better friend, a better daughter and a better sister by being more present.

Being present is something I have struggled with over the years.  I am definitely someone that has tended to be on my way through to somewhere else.  I have tended to be more worried about the future and getting there quickly by disregarding the now.  I struggle with being in the moment and just feeling.  I struggle with smelling the roses and letting life play out.

I am taking this resolution seriously and have spent some of my Christmas break researching mindfulness and being in the now.  I’ve discovered, thanks to my loyal friend Google, that there is a lot of interesting information out there on being present and the art of mindfulness.

Even though I have found my research interesting I can’t see myself becoming a mindfulness guru or meditation queen.  I can however see me learning how to be more in the now in it’s simplest form and benefiting by gaining:

Clarity:  When you are in the moment you have a much better focus and things flow naturally out of you.

Calmness:  You feel centred, relaxed and whatever you do you do more easily.

Positivity:  Since there is little fear, there are few negative emotions when you are in the present.

SOLD!  If I can bring those three elements into my life I think my new ordinary would be  a pretty good place to be.

A lot has happened this year.  I’ve learnt so much about myself and the people around me in such a short amount of time.  And one thing I’ve learnt is that we can’t change the past but we can shape our future by being in the now.  By being present and aware of where we are today.  By feeling.

I want to be more present.  I need to be more mindful.

I will learn.  I will grow and be better.  I will make lemonade.

It’s been nearly one week since my last hospital visit.  It’s been nearly one week since my tubes came out.

The past week I have felt more like myself than I have in two months.  No more tubes sticking out of my chest.  No more shoulder pain and no more oozing wound.  I have felt more energetic and lighter than I have done in months.

I have three more weeks of freedom before I go back to the white building of needles and disinfectant.  I am going o enjoy these next three weeks as a reminder of what I’m fighting for.  A reminder of how life can be again, one day.

For now I’m free and just ordinary me again.  For now the circus is having a Christmas break and I’m not missing it all.

I’m free.

Today I had what I call one of my outer body experiences.  I know it is me laying on the bed.  I can feel the needles piercing my skin.  I can feel the stinging of the fluid running through my veins.  I can feel the pain as they tug at my tubes and roughly pull them from my heart, through my neck and out my chest.  I can feel the warmth of my salty tears rolling down my face.

I know I’m there.  I know this is my new ordinary.  But it all feels too confronting and strange to believe.  It all just feels so alien that it can’t really be happening.  I feel as though I’m not participating and I’m floating above watching it all being done to me.  It’s only the pain that slaps me with a dose of reality.  It’s the pain that makes it real.

Even now hours later the ache in my chest and shoulder is a reminder that it did actually happen today.  I did actually have another medical procedure.  A medical procedure that was foreign to me until today.  Until today I had no idea what would be involved in removing my Hickman line, which is the medical term for the tubes in my chest.  And to be honest after todays experience I never want to remove a Hickman line again.   It was not fun.

Many needles and tears later I am chest tube free.

Another fun filled day of rocking the blue gown.

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