The time has come for me to write my final post. I always said I would only blog for a specific timeframe but now that the time has come to an end how do I wrap up the past twelve months? How do I summarise the most challenging year of my life? How do I put in words what this journey has meant to me? So after a week of struggling and procrastinating I have decided that the only way to overcome my block is to not think too much about it. So here it is, my last post. My final ramblings and sharing of my inner thoughts about the year that I said goodbye to my kidneys.
Reflecting back over these past twelve months stirs up a mixture of emotions. I am proud of what I have achieved and also sad for what I have lost. I am thankful for what I have learnt and surprised by reactions I have faced. I am overwhelmed by kindness I have experienced and in awe of others who are bravely fighting their own curve ball. There have been so many ups and downs along the way that it is difficult to sit here today and try to summarise it in this last post. So I won’t. Instead I will write about my immediate thoughts and key learnings when I think about the year that I have had saying goodbye to my kidneys.
Unconditional love. I questioned whether it was real over the past twelve months. In particular I questioned whether someone can still be loved even when they are scrambling for air in their darkest moments.
I can say thanks to my Mum I now know that unconditional love is real. My Mum has been my constant. Through it all my Mum has been the one there for me from the start and is still there for me now. Mum was there wiping my tears when I was diagnosed. Mum helped me out of my wheelchair and begged me to be brave at my first dialysis session. Mum held my hand when I was scared and alone in my hospital bed. Mum cared for me after my surgeries. Mum kept calling me when everyone else found me too dark to love. Mum encouraged me to claw my way out when I had fallen down my rabbit hole and was drowning in pain and despair. Mum has shown me that unconditional love is real and everyone deserves to be loved, even when life turns you ugly.
Thank you Mum. I know I get down at times and you cry, but I promise that I will keep fighting. Thank you Mum for believing in me when nobody else could and showing me that life is worth the clawing back.
Judgement. This hurts. This hurts a lot. Judging someone without walking in their shoes is a common act and one that blindsided me on many occasions.
When I was diagnosed with kidney failure I didn’t receive a guide or an instruction booklet on what to do or what not to do. I navigated my way through my new world of hospitals, needles, doctors and tests the best way I could. I made decisions with the information I had in front of me and with the advice of the medical team that I had around me. I had to trust in what I was being told and the direction I was being given. However, I learnt quickly on this journey that everyone has an opinion, even those without medical training, and that I would have to listen to these opinions and be judged openly. As a result friendships have been tested and lost. Trust has been weakened and ultimately my new ordinary looks a lot different to my past.
My lesson on judgement is that it has no place in relationships of value. It is ugly and I will do all I can to be a better person and not judge those I love. I might not always agree with their life choices but I will support them and if they fall I will be there to pick them up because to me that is friendship and love.
Thank you to everyone who tried to understand my journey and didn’t pass judgement. Your support has kept me going and for that I will be forever grateful and loyal. Thank you.
People are good and kind. The amount of support that I have received from friends, family and strangers has been overwhelming. The kindness and generosity that I have experienced has shown me that the human spirit is alive and well. It has shown me that people have big hearts. It has shown me that people will reach out and give a helping hand to those struggling and in need.
All the kind gestures and acts of kindness have touched my heart and I can’t thank everyone enough for what they have done for me. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for my friends, my family, my work colleagues and in particular my team Jess, Lee, Delara and my boss and mentor Brad. You mean more to me than I can express in words. You inspire me everyday. Thank you.
Mental health is the real battle. For me this journey has been more about my mental health than anything else. The physical side of my challenge I can treat with drugs and therapy. However, my mental stamina is what determines whether I get out of bed.
I learnt early on that my specialists and doctors would not be treating me as a whole. They didn’t think of me as one big system that linked my mental health with my physical health. It was up to me to look out for both. It was up to me to make sure that I was finding the right channels of support and the right outlets for nurturing my state of mind. Everyone is different in this arena and for me I chose to engage with a counsellor and write this blog. Without doing these two key activities I know that I wouldn’t have found the strength or courage to face everyday.
During my journey I did have very black moments and I was in my rabbit hole for weeks and months but I never lost sight of my way back. Mental health is so important and the more we talk about it the more we can learn how to deal with it individually and support each other.
Thank you to everyone who had real conversations with me and weren’t afraid to address the big questions and hear the real answers on how I was feeling and doing. Thank you to everyone who didn’t brush it under the carpet and pretend that they didn’t see through my fake smile and shaky façade. You are forever my mental heroes.
I still can’t believe it has been twelve months since I was told my kidneys were dead and there is so much more I could talk about as I have learnt so much. I have grown so much. And I am thankful for so much. But I will stop my ramblings here. I am unsure as to what the next year will bring. But what I do know is that we don’t know what is around the corner and life can change in the blink of an eye. For this reason we need to live in the now and embrace everyday. For this reason I am going to try my best to be present, be the best version of me I can be, shake negativity from around me and appreciate what I have today.
And finally a big thank you to you! For reading my blog. For posting your comments. Your support has kept me going through my darkest moments.
My journey isn’t over.
The yellow circus has left town. But it will be back.
Goodbye for now xxxx